Now that the too-long election cycle has come to a close, its now time for things to return to a certain state of stasis (though a Trump presidency certainly appears to offer up no semblance of such a thing) as we roll into the Holiday season. And one of the prime Holiday season activities outside of eating oneself into a coma, arguing with estranged family, and feigning excitement for subpar gifts, is the American tradition of mindlessly binge-watching television.
Netflix has spent the better part of the past two fiscal years placing itself into enormous debt – $800 million to be exact – only to continue to build its debt-to-equity faster and faster with every new original program that crops up on the Netflix featured home page. Netflix is by far and away the most motivated of all the streaming platforms to buy up original properties to thicken the already bloated roster of Netflix originals.
So keeping with the bloated analogy, when you’ve outpaced your belt in a matter of mere hours on any given family Holiday gathering or wish to sulk and escape the disappointing presents you receive for Hanukah, Christmas, or Festivus, then these original shows and specials popping up on Netflix in the month of December will surely offer a healthy dose of escapist watching as your body struggles to digest at an even marginally effective rate.
Friday, December 2nd
This is yet another Netflix foray into the world of adult oriented cartooning, except this one feels oddly familiar. Pacific Heat features many of the same components of the FX series Archer, all the way down to the style of cartooning. The show itself is about a dysfunctional group of undercover cops in Australia who deal with everything from drug smugglers and eco-terrorists.
Tuesday, December 6th
Reggie Watts: Spatial (Standup Special)
If there’s one thing Netflix is unequivocally the best at, its championing stand-up specials. Its almost as if Netflix has become the exclusive home to stand-up specials airing off of cable or premium channels, and Reggie Watts has added his name to an already impressive 2016 list that includes Hannibal Burress, Bo Burnham, Joe Rogan, and Dana Carvey. The Late Late Show with James Corden band leader will undoubtedly include vast amounts of unique musicality within the set, as such practices have become the unabashed weirdo’s calling card.
Friday, December 9th
The most watched show in all of Netflix history returns quicker than expected, just in time for the Holiday season. It will continue the story of the Tanner Girls raising their children in the familiar San Francisco town home featuring guest appearances from John Stamos, Dave Coulier, Bob Saget, and Alan Thicke.
With Mythbusters having come to a close, Netflix managed to scoop up the left-over scraps of the show – Kari Byron, Tory Belleci, and Grant Imahara – and turned it into their own bingeable version of the highly bingeable program. The show is effectively Mythbusters, but on Netflix, as not much else is known (or expected) of the show.
After the wild success of Making a Murderer last Holiday season, Netflix has been searching for its next Steven Avery story to capitalize on the extended periods of time spent at home during the Holiday season. The series comes from award winning producer Simon Chinn and his cousin Jonathan Chinn as the documentary series spans eight episodes investigating hostage situations from around the world.
Friday, December 16th
The election is officially over, and with Trump as president, people will almost certainly be pining for the days of one of the most historic and beloved presidents in history, Barack Obama. So with that in mind, Netflix picked up Barry, the Barack Obama biopic, at the Toronto Film Festival. The film focuses on Obama during his 20s, and should make for more than an interesting watch as we grimly await the changing of the guard between Obama and Trump.
Tuesday, December 20th
Gabriel Iglesias: I’m Sorry for What I Said When I Was Hungry (Standup Special)
Yet another stand-up special exclusive for Netflix, this time with the Fluffy Man himself, Gabriel Iglesias. This is Iglesias’ first Netflix special, and was filmed in Chicago.
Friday, December 23rd
A Dreamworks children’s show from the mind of Guillermo del Toro, totally unrelated to the upcoming Trolls children film in theatres. Starring the voice actin skills of Ron Perlman, Kelsey Grammer, and the late Anton Yelchin, Trollhunters’ name suggests just that, it’s a show about trollhunting cartoon characters, just in time for Christmas.
Tuesday, December 27th
Now that Vine is officially dead (thank goodness), the six-second video app’s stars are scrambling to make the transition to different platforms, and it looks like Cameron Dallas (who?) has found himself a place on Netflix. It’s effectively a reality show, as the format is set up like one, and would be Netflix’s first foray into the streaming platform/reality television world.
Donald Trump as Seen by Google’s Deep Dream
THIS CONTENT WAS REPUBLISHED FROM AN EARLIER DATE.
Last Summer, Google unleashed Deep Dream, their neural network that takes pictures and tries to identify patterns and overwrite them, on an unsuspecting public. When you put an image into Deep Dream, what you get when it “wakes up” is often nightmarish. Dogs, birds, insects, pagodas are inserted at random places in the image, giving it a surreal and sometimes beautiful–if terrifying–aspect.
So, since this election season is already off-the-charts surreal, I thought to myself, “What would it look like if we ran some candidates through Deep Dream?” Well, now I know. I started with Donald Trump, who is already deeply weird and unsettling. The results are spectacular.
From the MRA Evidence Archives: The Journal of a Normal, Average Feminist
Awoke and whispered to my boobs, Bea Arthur and Jackie O, “It’s Tuesday. You know what that means, ladies? Time to oppress some dudes.”
THIS CONTENT WAS REPUBLISHED FROM AN EARLIER DATE.
Tuesday July 5, 2016
Walked to work wearing my plunging crop top that says, “This is what a feminist looks like,” hot pants, and six-inch heels. Tossed my hair a lot and sexily chewed my lower lip. Dropped change so I could slowly bend over and pick it up. It took me about an hour to walk five blocks, which is standard.
Exceeded my catcall goal by seven, a personal best. Super flattering, of course, but will pretend to be terrified and make men feel bad about it with a bunch of tweets. That’ll show them.
Some dowdy librarian tried to help me with the change I kept dropping, and she got catcalled too! No one invades my catcalling turf. Slapped the books right out of her hands. Mostly by Hemingway, whom I both hate and would totally do if he were alive.
Arrived late per usual, but the boss didn’t say anything, just stared at my tits and gave me a pass. I had buttressed Bea Arthur and Jackie O in a push-up bra stuffed with the hard-earned cash of some beta male I cheated on. Good thinking.
By Friday I hope to a) screw my way to executive assistant, b) replace some poor slob who works really hard, or c) file a sexual harassment lawsuit. We’ll just see what the week brings, like whether or not the boss is a lesbian. Fingers crossed!
Spent the rest of the workday playing Candy Crush and convincing Dale from accounting to do everything for me. Stringing Dale along is why I keep coming in. It makes all the pretending to work worth it. I might boink him someday, but I want to see how low he’ll stoop for a bit of action.
I don’t get off on it per se, in so much that I don’t get off. Ever. At all. But I pretend that I could, just to make all the guys I’ve ever been with feel like losers. Watching them fumble and feel emasculated without pants is like Christmas – if I were to sleep with Santa and watch him fumble and feel emasculated without pants.
Went to happy hour after work and didn’t pay a dime. Cosmos just appeared in front of me. Dumb guys just handed me cash for being hot, and I filled my bra until Bea Arthur and Jackie O ballooned up like the boobs of evil women on TV. My role models, natch.
Some dude wearing a huge, purple hat came up to me and said I looked like an uglier Angelina Jolie. He lifted his shirt to show that his torso was hard, rippling, and embroidered with diamonds so he had every right to tell me that. I hooked up with him in the men’s room. That’ll show him.
Went home and let loose a series of drunken, liar tweets about how hard my life is and how I want equality. Even inebriated, it’s important to keep my stilettoed foot on the neck of men everywhere. Those tweets and opinion pieces just skewer them. More powerful than the laws of God or man are the messages I hastily type with my thumbs.
A good Tuesday over all, but did not receive free coffee by sexily slow jamming my order. The barista must’ve taken the red pill.
Woman begs city council to bring back McRib
The McRib Shortage of ’15. It was the single greatest tragedy this country has ever endured. But one woman, one brave voice, said, “No. This will not do.” #mcrib #sheslovinit
Well over a year ago a tragic event occurred: In the fall of 2015, the executives of McDonald’s made a grave decision, the consequences of which are still felt to this day. They decided that when the McRib was released that year it would… it would allow the regional managers to decide whether or not they would offer the McRib. As a result, a staggering 45 percent of McDonald’s locations elected not to offer the McRib. It was the single greatest tragedy this country has ever endured. But one woman, one brave voice, said, “No. This will not do.”
First off, shout out to Reader James from Lake Elsinore, CA for alerting us to the tale of hardship and heroism. You see, when Xanthe Pajarillo, a “McRib activist,” realized that none of the ten McDonald’s locations in her hometown of Santa Clarita would be offering the McRib, she did what any reasonable red-blooded American citizen would do. She brought the issue before the city council.
Now it is no secret that the McRib Shortage of ’15 nearly brought the nation to a standstill. In fact, if it weren’t for the release of a special McRib locator app, experts speculate that America would have ceased to exist as it does today. But amidst all of the rolling blackouts, the deaths, and the riots, we overlooked all of the smaller, personal tragedies that took place because of the cruel decision made by nearly half of McDonald’s regional managers.
In her impassioned plea to the Santa Clarita city council, Pajarillo explained just why the McRib meant so much to her and her family, and why the city council had to act in order to bring it back.
“The removal of the McRib from the menu has affected my family, because every Thanksgiving, my family would, like, order a 50-piece chicken McNugget and like, 10 McRibs. It was like, a tradition in our family, and now it’s like—well, like my family’s holiday spirit is kind of messed up and broken.”
Recently Pajarillo heroic speech before the city council has gone viral, gaining attention at the national stage across social media. Since that dramatic event, Pajarillo has continued to fight for the return of the McRib, even going so far as to release a song dubbed “The McRib Blues.” In it, she lays bare her soul and the souls of those like her to whom the McRib is more than just a barbecue pork sandwich, but is instead, a way of life.
There are those out there, deplorables who hardly deserve mention, that call her bravery nothing more than a stunt. Performance art holding up a mirror to America’s consumerism and obsession. However, others stand by the truth. Pajarillo is a hero, fighting for both a sandwich, but also for something more. Something ephemeral. That little piece of Americana that brings us all together. The McRib.
Fight on, brave warrior, fight on.
♪ Cause we have right to eat what we like, McRib is worth the fight ♪
Still can’t get enough of the McRib? Learn how a McRib is made, courtesy of BuzzFeed.
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