We Hacked Into The Presidential Candidate’s iPhones

Prez Brady Bunch

In an open letter to their customers, Apple, the maker of the iPhones, iPads, and Macs we all use every day, stated that it would not do what the FBI has told it to do—create a backdoor into the iPhone. In the wake of the San Bernardino shootings, the age old argument of “freedom vs. security” is in full swing.

On Thursday night’s competing town halls, the potential presidents from both sides of the aisle answered questions about just how far the government should be able to dig into our pockets, our bedrooms, and perhaps most importantly, our cell phones.

Doing what the FBI is too inept to do, we managed to hack into the phones of the presidential candidates themselves. I wonder how much privacy the candidates will want to protect when it’s their information on the operating table.

What did they find? Let’s take a look.

Hillary Clinton

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We didn’t need to dig too deep into Hillary Clinton’s phone to find some interesting things. No need to go into her emails (the FBI already took over that job for us). But we did find an ENORMOUS pay stub from Goldman Sachs and a few weird choices in her Spotify playlists.

Donald Trump

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The Donald is a man who doesn’t mix words. His daughter IS hot, everyone knows that already. Now as far as Barbara Bush goes, she seems to have taken up for Jeb! in the best/worst possible way. Nothing makes a bully make fun of you more than having your mom get involved.

What did surprise us was the app, Muslim Pro, which calculates accurate prayer times for followers of Islam. Is Donald Trump a secret Muslim? Are he and Obama secret Islamic blood brothers? We’ll leave that up for you decide.

Bernie Sanders

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The Republicans’ worst nightmares are all true. Not only does Old Man Sanders have a copy of Mao’s little red book in his pocket, he’s apparently a fan of V For Vendetta! Just in case he needs to dole out some government funds, he keeps a PDF version of Vermont’s food stamp enrollment form just a few clicks away.

Ted Cruz

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Even though he’s not publicly proud of his Canadian heritage, it appears Ted Cruz has some love for the land of maple leaves and politeness. By combining his research on how not to be creepy and which Christian denominations believe what, evidence suggests Cruz is already seriously planning out his ground game for his campaign through the south.

Marco Rubio

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Apparently the Senator from Florida has a little bit of explaining to do. The popular hookup app for gay men, Grindr, might understandably be accidentally downloaded, but making a profile and talking to other guys? Dressing up in full unicorn garb? Come on, Marco. Does your wife know about this?

Also, top or bottom? Bottom, right?

Ben Carson

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The mild-mannered and quiet neurosurgeon might not say much in the debates, but we’re sure he kills it with his NWA impression. When he’s not reading his copy of On The Origin Of Species and disagreeing with it every step of the way, Ben Carson seems to be a fan of Bernie Sanders’ Instagram page. #FeelTheBern, Ben Carson!

Jeb Bush

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Oh, Jeb. Poor, poor, poor Jeb. Are you that desperate to wrestle away the lead from Donald Trump that you’re turning to HIS book in order to learn how to carry yourself? No one can help Bush at this point, and it seems like no one wants to. From his parents to the Koch Brothers to the Queen B herself, no one is taking Jeb’s calls anymore. We all know the truth about 9/11, Jeb. You don’t have to carry that pain with you in your pocket. Just fess up. Jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams.

John Kasich

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He still has a Motorola Razr. It’s reliable and simple. It’s old but it still works just fine. Like him.

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