Our guide to a drunken 4th of July for good guys

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Image: Anchiy/Shutterstock

Here at Men’s Trait, we care about what really affects men. We like to think we shine a light on the dark side of men’s issues. You see, we’re very concerned with making sure men have everything they need in life, including relationship advice, relevant news content, the occasional dip into pop culture, and, most importantly, advice on how not to be an asshole.

We know life for men can be tough sometimes, what with the increasing awareness of women’s issues, the threat of a woman president, and all of the terrible things only happening to men right now (#PrayforBrockTurner). Society often tries to make men out to be the bad guys in every situation, and big social gatherings are typically seen as “hunting grounds” for male predators due to your propensity to get shitfaced and make asses of yourself. In light of the upcoming holiday weekend, we’re very devoted to ensuring that the 4th of July festivities don’t overwhelm you, the man, or make you out to be the bad guy in any social situation because of your poor self-control.

How do we help you with this, you ask? Well, you’re in luck, because as it turns out there are many ways to not act like an utter dipshit around other people—now, what you choose to do in your own time is up to you. Our only concern is for your well-being, and by that, we mean your image.

But we understand you’re busy making money for someone else, paying off those pesky student loan debts and supporting your pregnant girlfriend, or whatever she is, and you may not have time to listen us wax poetic on social safety. So we’ve pared down a few quick and easy tips, because we know you like it that way. Unless you never outgrew 4th grade, meaning that you’re still behind women on the learning curve and that this is too much for you to handle. In that case, try to catch up to high school level English, and go solve these common core math problems while you’re at it.

1. If there’s a boat nearby, don’t get in it

You may find the urge to step aboard a floating watercraft to be unavoidable, and we certainly can’t stop you from making this decision. But might we add that the presence of a body of water often leads to some bad social situations, such as your drunk ass falling off the bow, someone else’s drunk ass falling off the bow because you thought it was funny, but what we’re really concerned about is the possibility of you urinating over the side of the boat. Now, we don’t know about open water, but in inland bodies of water, you better watch out for tiny fish trying to swim up your weapon of ass destruction (OK, we can’t claim that one). Just check out this cute little Brazilian guy who’s attracted by the smell of pee.

2. Just stay away from water all together

Trust us. Bad things happen. Especially when your best buddy (who’s also drunk) dares you to do some asinine BS. Like, trying to see who can stay naked in a tub the longest while that tub is slowly roasting over a fire. Or, like combining four wheelers and air mattresses, which already sounds like a bad idea, to play a game of “Let’s act like we’re on a body of water, when we’re actually in a muddy stream, and pretend I’m a boat!” Then he’ll proceed to pull you behind his red-kneck golf cart until you fall off and drown.

3. Beware of how sexy you’ll become

When you men get drunk, you world view gets a little skewed, and it’s really easy to be overwhelmed. Alcohol is like a truth serum, not just for our mouths but for our life’s, just uncovering all of that untapped potential. Suddenly, you may find yourselves more…everything. More funny, more wealthy, more fuckable, and you might think, “Wow, what girl/guy/beastoftheland wouldn’t want a bite of this hunk-of-junk?” But be very, very cautious and tread lightly. See, this is why it is so dangerous for a man to get drunk, because then all of those predators who were lying in wait now realize you’re vulnerable. Out of nowhere, you’ll probably notice your female friends salivating over you like you’re a piece of juicy kale—good for their hearts and filling. If you find yourself in this situation, don’t be afraid to buddy up. You don’t want to find yourself in a dark, secluded area alone with your female bestie. You WILL wake up in a jail cell. And you’re too good for that.

And lastly…

4.Drunk people don’t wanna play hide the zucchini

We get all of that sexual energy will start flowing and you’ll feel like king of the mountain, but let’s be honest—drunk sex with a coherent partner is boring AF, and incoherent people don’t like playing games either. So we suggest, if you’re craving companionship, try sucking on a bomb pop. We promise it’ll have the same affect as great sex. It’s sticky, it tastes pretty good and you want to swallow it.

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Sara Snoddy

Sara is an editorial intern from MTSU, and an almost double major in journalism and English because she can't make up her mind. When she isn't studying or trying not to die on highway 840, Sara works on her novella and her thesis on Gothic Victorian literature, showers her dog with kisses and waits for the next Lana Del Rey album. While watching American Horror Story on repeat.