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The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea excels in many things due to the inspiration and god-like wisdom of our great leaders, the Kim Family.

After all, what country can boast such prosperously obese rulers? Look, America, upon the full and ideologically-correct cheeks of Brilliant Comrade Kim Jong-un:

KJU

Image: Mirror.co.uk

Compare him to your pathetically thin leaders and tremble, for soon he will grow large enough to smash the foundations of global capital with his strong, doughy fists! Unfortunately, due to the lies of you imperialist overlords, you have failed to recognize his obvious greatness, and you fear to embrace the system that delivered our country into the stratosphere of human development, creating an economy where every fifth family owns its own radio.

That’s one radio for every 1,089 people! Surely your thick, western heads quiver with the inability to conceive of such luxury.

Indeed, you are not ready for the revolution, obsessed as you are with your indoor plumbing and your Taylor Swifts, whom the great leader once bedded, by the way. Luckily for us, that was merely a ploy to steal the secrets of your western pop music so that we could overthrow your decadent society with catchy tunes about our efficient production of sorghum.

So until you are ready to embrace the benevolent and tender rule of comrade Kim Jong-Un, you will have to content yourselves to look upon the great achievements of the Korean People’s Republic and vomit with envy!

Beloved Comrade Kim Jong-Il’s Right-Thinking Monster, Pulgasari

Our Great General Kim Jong-Il understood that to lead the people, he must first be able to reach them with his pure thoughts. To this end, he found your decadent invention, cinema, to be most useful. After all, it truly is a magnificent medium for delivering instruction to the masses, yet you waste it displaying the antics of Beverly Hills Chihuahuas and foolish women who yearn for love instead of socialism.

So how then was the Great Leader to adapt your invention to our people? After all, the Korean people have no need for such frivolities. They are concerned only with how to increase this year’s tungsten yields. Truly, it was a daunting task to strip film of the moral decay that you Americans had infected it with.

But then, in a moment of brilliant insight, Comrade Kim Jong-Il struck upon the answer. He would tell the greatest story in the history of man. It would be about a giant monster who, tainted by the influence of capitalism, turned upon the Korean people. Luckily, the purity of our thought caused the monster to become a good socialist and join the DPRK on its crusade to destroy all traces of capitalism from the Earth.

And it was a completely original idea that no one on the planet had ever thought of before. A monstrous lizard that destroys cities? That could only spring from the brilliant mind of Comrade Kim. Praise his magnificent wisdom.

Of course to make such a film would require expertise in film-making that the righteous North Korean people did not possess. So Comrade Kim “liberated” a South Korean film-maker from his home and brought them to live in the North. There he commanded them to help him tell the stories of Korean Socialism. After a trip to a re-education camp to correct the director’s mad desire to leave the People’s Republic, he and his wife finally agreed to cooperate.

The movie they created upon Comrade Kim’s orders was breathtaking.

The story, the special effects, the ideological instruction. Nothing touched by the hand of man has ever been so impeccably constructed. Nothing has been so close to perfection as to be almost a miracle of heaven. Even today, North Koreans in the cinema sit in stunned silence after the movie has finished playing. After a few hours, when they finally regain their senses, they weep for days.You’ll have to excuse me for a moment, I am overcome with emotion at the mere thought of it. Curse these hands for being too stupid to describe its beauty.

But, frightened by the magnificence of what they had created with the guidance of the Great Leader, the traitorous dogs who made betrayed the North, fleeing from the North Korean embassy in Vienna after the benevolent leader allowed them to travel outside the Republic. They managed to find refuge in the embassy of the American imperialists, despite the fact that our nation’s agents gave chase by car. May the curses of a thousand generations rest on their ancestors for such a betrayal!

Luckily, Comrade Kim’s greatest work survives.

Behold, Pugasari:

General Kim Jong-Il Dunks On Bourgeoisie Fools To Inspire Us To Victory

The Great General understands how important sport is in creating right-minded youth. It inspires strong socialist ideals and strengthens the spleen to better engage in combat with the enemies of North Korea. And, as in everything, he excels in all areas of sports.

Take your decadent game of golf for instance. Kim Jong-Il, in spite of the capitalist leanings of the game, decided that it would be funny if he were to try it (if only to humiliate you westerners). And the Great General succeeded, scoring thirty-eight strokes under par and attaining five holes-in-one. Content with the victory he won over the forces of western imperialism, Comrade Kim set down his golf clubs and never picked them up again.

Instead, he turned to Basketball, a game that he invented. As you can imagine, Comrade Kim became the greatest player of all time, well known for his 5-foot vertical leap and having personally dunked on three US Presidents and the First Minister of Scotland.

His humiliation of the West in the field of sports inspires us all to final victory over the forces of global capital.

Let’s Trim Our Hair in Accordance With the Socialist Lifestyle

People in the West are well known for their long unruly hair. We in Korea do not indulge in such decadence. After all, It leeches important nutrients from your brains, as every knows.

In North Korea, people know better than to grow their hair out. In fact, the Great Leader knew that the hairstyle the Korean people choose is a vital part of the war against capitalism. That’s why he was always seen with his unique, frizzy perm. The terrible sight of our comrade’s curly locks caused foreign leaders to tremble with fear. To extend this follicular wisdom to the people, the government launched the “Let’s Trim Our Hair in Accordance With the Socialist Lifestyle” campaign.

Now in North Korea, men are permitted to choose from six different, state-approved hairstyles designed to inspire correct ideology and make us more aerodynamic for being fired out of cannons at the imperialists. It’s a remarkable system that makes life easier for everyone and heightens our ability to smash capitalism with increased industrial productivity.

So, for instance, you simply go to your barber and ask for a number four. No longer do you have to bring a photo of Josef Stalin with you to the barber to get a decent haircut. And the fact that barbers no longer make mistakes means that time-consuming group criticism sessions are no longer necessary afterward.

Truly it is a triumph of socialism.

The Supreme Leader Smashes Capitalist-created AIDS With Socialist Ginseng

It is a well-known fact that AIDS and other diseases were created by the American government in a foolish attempt to bring down the rule of the people in North Korea. Luckily, the purity of the North Korean people meant that not a single case of AIDS has ever been reported. But in his beneficence, Kim Jong-Il decided that he would cure AIDS anyway, and instructed the state’s incredibly advanced medical research sector to develop a remedy.

After working tirelessly, the loyal socialist doctors discovered that by simply injecting the ginseng that grows naturally in glorious North Korea, AIDS, SARS, MERS, and even swine flu can be cured.

Such is the power of ginseng, the most ideologically pure of root spices!

The Korean People’s Model Town Of Kijong-Dong And Its Mighty Flag Pole

When the Korean people were split in half after the Great Leader Kim Il-Sung fought the imperialist invaders to a truce, the Americans established a demilitarized zone separating the North Korea and South Korea.

This bastion of imperialism you call the DMZ became the only place that our oppressed brothers in the South could look upon the freedom and riches that we enjoyed in the North. At this time, Comrade Kim desired to entice our Southern brothers to defect to the North. He decided to build a model village near the border that would attract Koreans from the south to defect when they saw how incredibly rich and modern the village looked. And so, comrade Kim ordered the construction of Ki Jong-dong. Stop giggling).

Some lying sources in the west will tell you that the village is completely empty, and was built to convince people in the South that our economy wasn’t on the brink of collapse, but these are despicable lies. It is a thriving village with happy residents. Plus every Friday, the great leader hands out free ice cream sandwiches there. And it’s the best ice cream anyone has ever tasted. Oh, the mighty flavors that are possible when the people are united behind their leader!

In celebration of this victory, Comrade Kim erected a flag pole to display our patriotism to the South.

Desiring not to be outdone by what was obviously a superior system able to produce such a mighty pole, the capitalists in the south mustered all their resources and managed to erect a massive 321-foot flag pole, topping it with their traitor’s banner.

Our Great General was vexed by this. He had no desire to wage a war of pole-erection against the South, but he knew that North Korea could never be safe as long as imperialist flag poles towered over the border, inspiring vague feelings of phallic inadequacy in our proud people.

Summoning the totality of his strength and power, Comrade Kim Jong-Il erected another mighty flag pole which towered over the puny pole of the capitalist swine. It was so tall, in fact, as to be the fourth-tallest flag pole in the world.

The South, by now bored of the contest, didn’t even attempt to top it. A crushing defeat for capitalism!

The People’s Republic Needs Nuclear Weapons To Win Class Struggle

North Korea sits in a precarious position as our “gross human rights abuses” and “psychotically deluded leaders,” as your media puts it, makes dealing with the outside world difficult. This is why Comrade Kim Jong-Il understood the importance of acquiring nuclear weapons so as to more effectively demand grain imports from the pathetic west.

You might ask why we don’t use the resources of the nuclear program to grow the grain we need ourselves, but such a question is merely the result of capitalist indoctrination. North Korea needs nuclear weapons and under Kim Jong-Un, we have almost finally acquired them. Just this week, we test-fired a rocket capable of hitting the great enemy, the United States.

We need now only develop the technology to guide them to their targets, make nuclear warheads that can fit on a missile, and then build enough of them to destroy you… and move all our farming and living operations deep underground to protect us from the missiles you’re going to fire back.

Fools, do you not see how close we are to drowning you in nuclear fire?

So, there you have it. You are no doubt green with envy of our socialist system by now. Do not worry, for one day, mighty comrade Kim Jong-Un will come to deliver you from your exploitation.

But in the meantime, he has a message he would like me to relate: Please stop calling him fat. It’s just a glandular thing. Even Great Socialist Heroes have feelings, after all, and he’s kind of sensitive about it.

 

Almost Like History

The tragic tale of Florence Foster Jenkins, terrible opera singer

Florence Foster Jenkins had a dream. She wanted to be a famous opera singer. The problem was, she couldn’t actually sing.

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Florence Foster Jenkins

Florence Foster Jenkins had a dream. She wanted to be a famous opera singer. The problem was, she couldn’t actually sing.

Well, she could sing. Just not very well. Let’s listen, shall we?

If you can’t watch the video above, let me try to do it justice with a description. It sounded like two sick cats fighting over a tin can full of marbles. It was like a box of accordions being dragged behind a wandering troupe of Vietnamese folk musicians. It was the sound your elderly grandmother makes as she takes a fatal tumble down a flight of stairs.

So how did a woman like that become an opera singer? Well,basically it came down to a large inheritance and a legendary capacity for self-delusion. Not to mention a healthy dose of syphilitic brain damage.

Florence was born in Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania in 1868. Early on, she discovered a love of music, and was actually something of a child prodigy on the piano. She was so good that she was invited to play at the White House during the Hayes administration.

But, Florence didn’t want to play the piano, she wanted to sing. So, she asked her father if she could go to Europe to study Opera.

Presumably having heard her sing, her father took a long draw on his pipe, worked his lip under what was probably a pretty impressive mustache and said, “No”.

Betrayed, and set on revenge, Florence eloped with a local doctor named Frank Jenkins. Unfortunately for Florence, the good doctor had a predilection for ladies of the evening and contracted a case of Syphilis, which he promptly spread to Florence. This being the 19th century, that wasn’t grounds for a divorce so Florence set out on her own while still legally married to the man whose name she would keep the rest of her life.

Florence made a meager living giving piano lessons until an arm injury stopped her from playing. She and her mother Mary moved to New York where Florence met her second, common-law husband, St. Clair Bayfield in 1909. By this time her Syphilis was doing what Syphilis does and virulently attacking her brain.

In that same year, her wealthy father died, leaving Florence with the funds she needed to bankroll her own singing career. So, that’s just what she did, renting out concert halls to give private recitals. She hand delivered invitations to these recitals, making sure never to invite any critics.

Her performances were marked with mistakes in pitch, timing, and pronunciation of the foreign words that are sort of necessary to pronounce correctly when you’re singing opera. Her accompanist was forced to make frequent adjustments to his playing to account for her tendency to rapidly switch tempo and pitch, which can be heard on the recordings that survive.

Florence became the celebrity she wanted to be, though not for the reason she would have hoped. Word got around the city about her “so bad it’s good” performances and it became something of an inside joke among the New York elite to send friends to a show with purposely vague reviews. One critic wrote that her singing was “like the untrammeled flight of some great bird.”

The ultimate payoff was to go with a friend who expected to hear a lovely rendition of The Magic Flute and then watch the expression of bewilderment on their face as they tried to figure out why such a terrible singer would be giving recitals.

By popular demand, Florence was finally convinced to give a performance at Carnegie Hall at age 76, and tickets quickly sold out. People stood outside waving hundreds of dollars in the air in the hopes of securing entrance to the show. The most valuable seats were in the back where people would fall to their knees behind doubled over in laughter. People advised each other to bring handkerchiefs to shove in their mouths. Others had to be carried out after laughing themselves hysterical.

Meanwhile, Florence took the laughter as adulation rather than derision. As she walked off the stage to raucous applause, she must have thought this moment the culmination of her life-long dreams to sing opera at Carnegie Hall.

The next morning she read the reviews. One critic praised her great range saying, “She can sing anything except notes.” Another said, “It was largely a recital without voice for the tones that Madam Jenkins produced were tiny. Much of her singing was hopelessly lacking any a semblance of pitch but the further a note was from its proper elevation the more the audience laughed and applauded.”

Two days later, Florence suffered a fatal heart attack. Some attribute her demise to the stress of learning what people actually thought of her singing.

Her long-time accompanist, Cosme McMoon, argued that it was unrelated. He stated in an interview that her capacity for self-delusion was such that she could have easily convinced herself that it was the reviewers who were wrong.

Regardless of the truth of the matter, Florence Foster Jenkins probably summed it up best when she said, “People may say I can’t sing, but no one can ever say I didn’t sing.”

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The Dwarf Who Became A Giant

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Adam Ranier
Adam Ranier

Image:Achetron.com

If you’re familiar with Game of Thrones, and its most popular character, you know it can be tough to be a dwarf with all the white walkers and having to murder your father with a crossbow. But it’s probably also tough to be a giant. After all, you have to duck under doors and constantly get asked to pull things off of high shelves.

But it’s probably even tougher to go from one to the other. Luckily, there’s only one person in history who has ever had to go through that. In 1899 a child named Adam Ranier was born in Austria. For most of his life. he was small and sickly. When he was 18, he was evaluated by army physicians after his draft number was called who rejected him after finding that he only measured four and a half feet tall.  He was, technically speaking a dwarf.

But then one day he started growing for some reason. And in the next ten years, he grew to be over seven feet tall, making him the tallest man in the country. But while most people would be pretty excited to discover that they could suddenly dominate their local pick up basketball game, Adam had some pretty severe side effects from his growth spurt.

His spine began to curve significantly, and he lost the vision in his right eye along with the hearing in his left ear. In 1931, two doctors studying him discovered that the source of his incredible growth. They found a large tumor pressing on his pituitary gland, pushing huge amounts of growth hormones into his body. Today the condition is called Acromegaly, and Adam displayed all the symptoms, including unevenly spaced teeth, a pronounced jaw and brow, and unusually large hands and feet. Adam also found that eating was difficult and he began to suffer the effects of a poor diet.

Due to his condition, Adam remained bedridden for much of his life. The doctors performed a surgery that was intended to remove the tumor, but after examining him a few years later they found that he was still growing, which meant that they had been unable to correct the condition. Adam died at a fairly young in 1950 at a height of seven feet and ten inches.

But to this day, Adam Ranier remains the only person who has ever lived as both a dwarf and a giant. It’s a shame that more isn’t known about his life. Though, even at the time, his case attracted a lot of attention in the international press. And the Guinness Book of World Records included an entry on him in 1975. And though he was unfortunate to have to suffer such debilitating physical conditions, at least he will be remembered as unique in the history of mankind.

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7 weird things we’ve learned through science

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Virus

Ah, science! Domain of the geeks. I may not have loved you when I was a teenager with other things to think about, like the insane changes in my body, but now that I’m older I have come to be fascinated by your astounding discoveries.

Here’s a look at some of the strangest of natural phenomena—whether in biology, anatomy, archeology, or astronomy. Some of them are too weird too believe… and yet it’s all true!

Clouds

Thought clouds weigh nothing because they float? Wrong. Clouds weigh millions of tons. Yet they float because they are less dense than the surrounding air and than the rising currents of hot air. That’s why the sky does not fall on our heads dufus!

Bacteria

In this very moment, there are about 100 billion bacteria living in your mouth, and 100 trillion (100,000 billion) in your digestive tract. Oh and there are 25,000 germs walking on each square inch of your cell phone, and 7.2 billion on your kitchen sponge. Bacteria and germs are living beings—that makes your body, phone and kitchen extremely social places! Fortunately, most of these microscopic life forms are harmless and work actively for our mutual benefit.

Mosquitoes Allergy

… But they are not allergic to us, unfortunately. The itch that results from a mosquito bite is simply an immune response from your body. When the insect “bites” you, it in fact sucks your blood through its “trunk” (i.e. its proboscis) while simultaneously injecting substances including an anticoagulant. This helps the blood pass easily through its proboscis and its digestive tract. Itching is not directly caused by the bite or chemicals contained in the mosquito’s proboscis but by the immune response of the body fighting them. Our body releases histamine, a protein involved in many allergic reactions, to fight against parasites. Histamine causes swelling around the bite so that the blood rushes to the affected area, and this has the side effect of itching.

Stardust

93% of your body mass is actually stardust. Time to start writing poems y’all. Most of the elements that make up your body, like your bones, organs, and muscles are made of various atoms and molecules. And where do you think those atoms and molecules come from? Technically from your mom, but if you trace everything back far enough, these particles come from the stars.

DNA

Believe it or not, you have 2 meters of DNA in every cell in your body, which has 10 trillion cells. If we put all that DNA together and made a string out of it, we could tie the string from the Earth to the Moon over 100,000 times!

Giant Dinosaur Stomach

The Sauroposeidon, of the brachiosaur family, is one of the largest dinosaurs ever found. It could reach up to 18 meters in height and weigh up to 60 tons. Naturally, his stomach was the size of a swimming pool. Time for a swim in the dino’s tummy!

Eye Muscles

The muscles in your eyes are the most active ones in your body. According to one study, they actually move more than 100,000 times a day. Does that sound like a lot? Try to count how many times your eyes just moved just to read this paragraph. Now, if only I could do one push-up for every eye-movement!

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