THIS CONTENT WAS REPUBLISHED FROM AN EARLIER DATE.
Tuesday July 5, 2016
Walked to work wearing my plunging crop top that says, “This is what a feminist looks like,” hot pants, and six-inch heels. Tossed my hair a lot and sexily chewed my lower lip. Dropped change so I could slowly bend over and pick it up. It took me about an hour to walk five blocks, which is standard.
Exceeded my catcall goal by seven, a personal best. Super flattering, of course, but will pretend to be terrified and make men feel bad about it with a bunch of tweets. That’ll show them.
Some dowdy librarian tried to help me with the change I kept dropping, and she got catcalled too! No one invades my catcalling turf. Slapped the books right out of her hands. Mostly by Hemingway, whom I both hate and would totally do if he were alive.
Arrived late per usual, but the boss didn’t say anything, just stared at my tits and gave me a pass. I had buttressed Bea Arthur and Jackie O in a push-up bra stuffed with the hard-earned cash of some beta male I cheated on. Good thinking.
By Friday I hope to a) screw my way to executive assistant, b) replace some poor slob who works really hard, or c) file a sexual harassment lawsuit. We’ll just see what the week brings, like whether or not the boss is a lesbian. Fingers crossed!
Spent the rest of the workday playing Candy Crush and convincing Dale from accounting to do everything for me. Stringing Dale along is why I keep coming in. It makes all the pretending to work worth it. I might boink him someday, but I want to see how low he’ll stoop for a bit of action.
I don’t get off on it per se, in so much that I don’t get off. Ever. At all. But I pretend that I could, just to make all the guys I’ve ever been with feel like losers. Watching them fumble and feel emasculated without pants is like Christmas – if I were to sleep with Santa and watch him fumble and feel emasculated without pants.
Went to happy hour after work and didn’t pay a dime. Cosmos just appeared in front of me. Dumb guys just handed me cash for being hot, and I filled my bra until Bea Arthur and Jackie O ballooned up like the boobs of evil women on TV. My role models, natch.
Some dude wearing a huge, purple hat came up to me and said I looked like an uglier Angelina Jolie. He lifted his shirt to show that his torso was hard, rippling, and embroidered with diamonds so he had every right to tell me that. I hooked up with him in the men’s room. That’ll show him.
Went home and let loose a series of drunken, liar tweets about how hard my life is and how I want equality. Even inebriated, it’s important to keep my stilettoed foot on the neck of men everywhere. Those tweets and opinion pieces just skewer them. More powerful than the laws of God or man are the messages I hastily type with my thumbs.
A good Tuesday over all, but did not receive free coffee by sexily slow jamming my order. The barista must’ve taken the red pill.
Russia hacks the election, installs malware in White House
Not since the Cold War ended has Russia had a greater influence on a presidential election, and that was before Russia’s grand strategy came to fruition on election day.
The rumours that have been spreading for months now have finally been proven true as a group of Russian hackers, working as part of an as of yet unidentified cell, were able to pull off one of the most unlikely schemes in the history of national espionage. In a multi-prong attack that included leaking sensitive data, phishing scams, and reliance on the average American’s decidedly below average intelligence, in the early hours of the morning on November 9th, Russia was able to install a dangerous piece of malware directly into the White House.
Throughout the entire election this year, the number one hot button words has been: Russia. What is going to be America’s response to Russia’s aggressive expansionist policies? Was Russia truly responsible for the leak of the Democratic National Conventions emails as the Obama administration has asserted? Does Vladamir Putin support Donal Trump as President of the United States? Does Trump have ties to Putin? Does Clinton have ties to Putin?
Not since the Cold War ended has Russia had a greater influence on a presidential election, and that was before Russia’s grand strategy came to fruition on election day. As votes were being tallied and Americans were glued to the drama on their screens, officials at the White House were becoming ever more aware that a possible Russian attack was taking place. Despite their best efforts, including President Obama himself trying to directly intervene and prevent the installation, they were unable to stop the hack.
When asked how the Russian hackers were able to slip their malware through what is surely the most sacred and protected office, computer, in America, officials responded by comparing the hack to a DDoS attack. The system was simply overwhelmed by the bombardment of meaningless data that the malware spouted at it. In the end, it froze up under the barrage of nonsense and its defenses were easily circumvented by the malware, allowing it to be installed.
Analysts around the country and the globe are even at this moment still trying to predict the full effect this malware could have on the United States. Many have approached it from an optimistic viewpoint and believe that even once the effects of this malware begin to be felt on the system, a date still some weeks away as White House officials believe that the malware shouldn’t wholly activate until January 20, that it will ultimately be only a temporary virus that should only take approximately four years to remove.
Others, however, are much more pessimistic. One top analyst commented,
“gud thing Ill be in Canada when ur all getting nuked #NotMyPresidnt”
“We are walking step-by-step into a postmodern death, an extinction.”
The malware has already proven to have an effect on the global economy at large, with even the threat of it causing the stock market to be expected to crash. When the market opened the morning following the news of the Russian hack, however, the market rose. Then fell. Then evened out to about where it was before. Experts believe this will mimic the ultimate effect the malware itself will bring to the global economy.
Only time will tell what the malware is programmed to do. Despite top experts’ attempts to analyze its code, none have been able to decipher its apparently random and chaotic actions. Some have even said that it has no programming at all. The malware’s only goal was to be installed in the White House, and it has no other functions beyond that.
We can only hope.
Hillary Clinton apologizes for not rigging election properly
In her Nov. 9 concession speech, Hillary Clinton said, “Donald Trump is going to be our president. We owe him an open mind and the chance to lead.”
“I meant to rig this thing,” said Hillary Clinton the morning after losing the presidential election to Donald Trump. “I mean, technically, more people voted for me than voted for Donald Trump.” She thanked her supporters and then said, “I don’t know why I didn’t use my demonic powers to magically make all of the votes mine. Those international bankers sure fell asleep on the job, too, you know what I mean? How are supposed to finally destroy U.S. Sovereignty without me rigging the shit out of this election? My bad. Maybe next time. Sorry.”
Have You Heard About The Tug Toner?
Have you ever come across a ‘tug toner’ or at least heard about it? If in case you have not, you will likely find this to be very interesting. There is certainly no shortage of fancy exercise gadgets in the marketplace. Ever since the rise of the fitness culture, there has been a never ending flow of fancy workout gadgets that promise the sky and indeed, even the entire universe.
For proof, one need not look further than the infomercials that play at the middle of the night, hawking the latest in workout systems which promise fast results and at the most convenient prices. Then again, you could also go to your local sports gear shop or even gym where there are even more crazy fitness gear, with each one looking weirder than the one just before it. This obsession over weird and whacky workout gear is certainly not new. It has in fact been happening for a very long time – at least since a couple of decades.
However, it has only been in the recent past that the concept has taken off with such an aggressive level of marketing. Much of this can be attributed to a massive increase in the reach of the mass media across the world. Today, the mass media has the power to reach millions of people through a variety of different ways, be it newspapers, magazines, television, radio, etc.
Regardless of how the advertising is done, the fact is that marketing agencies can target more consumers than ever before; to the point that they often end up with issues of backorders, which may be to the tune of thousands or even millions of units.
Introducing The Tug Toner
When it comes to strange exercise contraptions and gear, one need not look any further than the tug toner.
The tug toner happens to be a very popular fitness fad that has become rather commonplace in health circles everywhere. With a promise to deliver stunning results unlike any other product currently available in the marketplace, the tug toner happens to be one of those things that have started to gain the attention of plenty of people, regardless of whether or not it actually works.
At least is what you are made to believe when you look at the tug toner contraption, because the fact is that is that nobody really knows the truth about the product. In fact, there are plenty of people who are searching to buy it online without being able to find the original seller of the product.
So Why Is This The Case?
There doesn’t seem to be any clear cut answer to this question but it seems like the craze for the tug toner began when it was featured on the popular talk show, Jimmy Kimmel, where it was apparently sold at the Walgreens outlet. Since comedy happens to be one of the main and predominant themes of the Jimmy Kimmel show, it is very likely that the product doesn’t exist in real life and very likely nothing more than a satire.
After it was shown on the show, the product quickly became very popular with people wanting to buy their own tug toner for its many wonderful fitness and health benefits. Despite all the popularity, it seems likely that the tug toner was largely nothing more than a satire of late night infomercials that hawk the latest gizmos which promise the world.
Is The Tug Toner Real or Fake?
In fact, a lot of people have searched for the product online but have not been able to find it available for sale. It is in fact something that many have even dedicated entire blog posts for, which can be easily found through a simple search on Google or any other search engine.
At the same time however, it should also be noted that there are people who have started taking advantage of the new market demand for the tug toner and have begun selling imitation products on various online stores. Therefore, should one come across a product labeled as the ‘tug toner’, it is very likely that it is nothing more than an a cheap imitation of a concept that was used as satire for mocking phony fitness gear that is frequently hawked at midnight by shady salesmen.
In all, the tug toner is perhaps the best example of a satire product meant to mock the various nonsense fitness gear that have flooded our marketplace. Also, it is very likely that the product doesn’t really have an original manufacturer and is for the most part a cheap imitation created by clever capitalists to seize the moment and take advantage of this new found tug toner craze.
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