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Stranger Things is hella rad

Stranger Things is hella rad

Happy Friday. It’s that time again, for our weekly Menstration, our highly subjective weekly roundup of the BAD and RAD from this week…It’s the Men’s Trait D-Bag of the Week award.

Before I get into the nominees, how about a breakdown of our process? I typically get three or four nominees a week from readers. If you want to nominate someone, there are about 3 ways to reach us:

  1. You can submit nominees to our Facebook page.
  2. You can tweet us your nonimations at @MensTraitOnline or  @johnpsousa using the hashtag #MTDBagOfTheWeek.
  3. You can email us at “editorial at 301digitalmedia dot com” with “MTDBOTW Nominee” in the subject line.

Depending on the nominee, we’ll publish a post, and then we’ll keep track of them all week. Our staff then votes (sometimes after a vigorous Slack debate). You can also submit things that you think are awesome for the “Things that were hella rad this week” section. We may actually break that out into its own column if we get enough nominees.

Okay, let’s do this.

Nominee #1: Philippines President Rodrigo Duterte

This is Bad but also kinda Rad. Basically he dropped a putang ina on our very own president Barack Hussein, and it caused a minor diplomatic incident. For those of you who aren’t Filipino or don’t have any Filipino friends, putang ina mo roughly translates to “Son of a Bitch.” Now, contrary to originally published reports, Duterte didn’t call Obama a “Son of a Bitch.” The way my friends explained it to me is that it’s more of an exclamation, like when you stub your toe and say, “Son of a bitch!” 

And Obama isn’t the first to earn one from Duterte. He told U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry that Ambassador Philip Goldberg was a “Gay son of a Bitch.” He also once dropped a putang ina on Pope Francis, complaining about the traffic he caused on his visit to the heavily Catholic country.

Things that were hella rad this week.

Hillary’s Medical Marijuana Joke on the Breakfast Club.

Man, Hillary just can’t win with some people. This was a legit funny moment, and man did our commenters not buy it. John Lapan wrote, “Bullshit! I’d sooner vote for Trump than to believe that Thundercunt would actually smoke pot…” Josh White wrote, “Yeah right, her lungs couldn’t handle the smoke lol they can’t even handle oxygen! Shes (sic) not hitting my blunt lol.” And Jason Metz wrote, “Fuck that. That’s One time I’d pass.”

Tough crowd. Not only would the “Puff, Puff, Pass” rule go out the window for Hillary, but these stoners would actually not hit the J if Hillary passed it to them.

But here’s a rad video someone made:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SiHMM-VyDug

A judge ordered a temporary halt to construction on the Dakota Access Pipe Line

This all came to a head this week when a group of Sioux protesting the building of an oil pipe line across their land had dogs sicced on them. That was not rad. But what was rad is that their direct action is bringing notice to their cause, and for now nothing is being built. Our sites are covering this issue and we’ll keep you posted.

Facebook meme games

A friend of mine, reader Nikki from Sonora, CA, posted a picture of Effie Trinket with the text, “Let’s play a game. Go to Google Images search your first name and ‘Meme’ and post the first image you see here.” Here’s mine:

ouch

ouch

Seriously, try it. Post yours in the comments. But maybe the best thing about this “game” is that it led to me finding a post from early 2014 in which a different game was played, in which the participants took song titles with the word “love” in them and changed “love” to “muff.”

  1. What’s muff got to do with it?
  2. Muff Shack
  3. Radar muff
  4. Muff will tear us apart
  5. Ready for muff
  6. Why can’t this be muff? (bonus Van Hagar: When it’s muff)
  7. Muff bites
  8. I need muff
  9. I’d do anything for muff (but I won’t do that)
  10. Friday I’m in muff

You get the idea. It’s hours of fun for the whole family. What’s your favorite love muff song?

Back to the D-bag Nominees.

Nominee #2: Apple

Look, I’m an iPhone guy. I’m writing this on a Macbook Air. And I like the idea of a water resistant iPhone (seriously what took you so long, guys?). But no more ear/bud headphone jack? That’s seriously dumb. Look at those sad-ass ear buds with no wires. You know how those fall out. Man those are gonna last maybe three days. The first time one of your kids gets ahold of your iPhone those motherfuckers are gone. If you haven’t lost them already. It’s literally the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. And yet as soon as I’m eligible I’ll be getting one. FML. Let’s look at some iPhone 7 jokes from the internet.

 

Men’s Trait’s D-Bag of the Week: Dave Hon

This dude, Dave Hon, was nominated by Orangina from the Brazos Valley, Texas. Dave’s essay, “Why I’ll never date a feminist,” went slightly viral yesterday. Let’s take a look at this gem.

If you look for a reason to hate men, chances are you’re going to find it.

I bet. In fact, I have feeling we’re going to find a shit-ton of reasons in this essay.

The truth is, I don’t blame women, (especially in my generation) for hating men.

I don’t believe you, Dave. I have a feeling you really do blame them. Just a guess.  Next he goes on to list a bunch of things that exist with links to conservative YouTube channels that explain why believes they don’t exist. Like “campus rape culture,” although he does allow that Brock Turner should be “buried underneath the prison.”

Men’s Rights Activists have taken flight with a new philosophy called “Red Pill” which aims to point out how derogatory, hypocritical and vindictive third-wave feminists can be.

Hang on. What? Men’s Right’s Activists? Red Pill?

That sentence includes a link to Reddit. You can click through if you want, but I’m not linking to it because fuck Dave Hon and Fuck this “Red Pill” bullshit. It has all kinds of links for sad ass dudes who can’t get dates with titles like, “How to manage your bitches.”

I used to think dating across the political aisle was not only possible, but practical. Hell, if James Carville and Mary Matalin can get along, I can date someone who thinks my genitals automatically give me privileges that they don’t have, right?

Carville and Matalin are both trash.

People who are more loyal to their gender and not their significant other don’t make good partners.

Says the dude who linked to fucking “Red Pill,” the whole fucking point of which is for dudes to tell each other how awesome they’re not women.

No doubt, men enjoy privileges that women don’t but that boat goes both ways.

What’s his proof that women also have privileges? The fact that women don’t have to ask men before they have an abortion. That’s right, a person not having to ask another person for permission to undergo a medical procedure on their own body is viewed by this asshole as a privilege that men are not extended. As if I had to ask my wife before I had surgery.

You know what? Fuck this essay. Let’s take a look at his previous work for Josephine, a piece of shit called “My digital date with a robot (or a Russian hacker).”

The other night, I received a Facebook friend request from a woman named Dixie Layman.

Men’s Trait attempted to contact the Dixie Layman’s with public accounts on Facebook. As of the time of this writing none of them have responded. But they seem to be real people.

Update 9/9/16 8:07 CDT: One of the Dixie Laymans we contacted responded:

Yeah, that wasn’t me. I have a boyfriend and I’m not that crazy lol.

Her profile, since deleted, was sparse.

Oh maybe it wasn’t one of the Dixie Laymans who are still on Facebook. Or maybe he’s full of shit and making this up.

She replied, in broken English, that she didn’t, but she found me through “research.” I assumed that I was either being catfished or maybe a newly immigrated, soon-to-be college student had stumbled upon my profile.

You’re being catfished dude. Or she’s really into schlubby gingers.

Time to see if this is a human or robot...

Dave Hon, human Turing Test.

“I alone,” she messaged me. “I want to show. Call me.”

What, she no love you long time?

I quickly went into the bathroom, shut the lights off and called Robo-Dixie.

Why did you turn off the lights? That’s weird.

“Flip on light light,” Dixie messaged in broken English. This questioned my robot hypothesis. Robo-Dixie was exhibiting problem solving skills.

Oh, it must be a video call.

With nothing to lose, I turned on the light. Robo-Dixie burst into laughter as soon as she saw my face. I asked her what was so funny, but never received a response.

Dave Hon

Instead, Robo-Dixie began dancing and stripping. Before I knew it, she was completely naked. She stopped every once in awhile to type a message to me.

Okay, this is getting interesting.

“Show me your tiny baby (expletive),” she messaged.

What is “(expletive)?” Cock? Dick? Fuckstick? Penis?

“Yeah, I don’t do that,” I replied.

Dave, buddy. That’s lame. She’s completely nude. The very least you can do is show her your tiny baby (expletive).

Why would someone want to see my penis?

That’s a great question, Dave. I can’t think of one reason.

Was it a Chinese or Russian hacker?

Obviously. The DNC, Sony, Dave Hon’s Fire Crotch.

But what do foreign hackers want with my nether region?

Okay, man. Real talk? Nothing. Foreign hackers don’t want anything to do with your nether region. They have better shit to do than try to get you to whip it out on Facebook.

Speaking of better shit to do, it’s Friday, and I’m gonna go ahead and sign off. Have a great weekend, and congratulations to Dave Hon, Men’s Trait’s D-bag of the Week. Next time someone tries to get you whip out your tiny baby (expletive), there’s no need to run a Turing Test on her.

Just assume she’s a feminist and ignore her friend request.

Satire

From the MRA Evidence Archives: The Journal of a Normal, Average Feminist

Awoke and whispered to my boobs, Bea Arthur and Jackie O, “It’s Tuesday. You know what that means, ladies? Time to oppress some dudes.”

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barbie doll head being gripped by dirty hands
THIS CONTENT WAS REPUBLISHED FROM AN EARLIER DATE.

 Tuesday July 5, 2016

Awoke and whispered to my boobs, Bea Arthur and Jackie O, “It’s Tuesday. You know what that means, ladies? Time to oppress some dudes.”

Walked to work wearing my plunging crop top that says, “This is what a feminist looks like,” hot pants, and six-inch heels. Tossed my hair a lot and sexily chewed my lower lip. Dropped change so I could slowly bend over and pick it up. It took me about an hour to walk five blocks, which is standard.

Exceeded my catcall goal by seven, a personal best. Super flattering, of course, but will pretend to be terrified and make men feel bad about it with a bunch of tweets. That’ll show them.

Some dowdy librarian tried to help me with the change I kept dropping, and she got catcalled too! No one invades my catcalling turf. Slapped the books right out of her hands. Mostly by Hemingway, whom I both hate and would totally do if he were alive.

Arrived late per usual, but the boss didn’t say anything, just stared at my tits and gave me a pass. I had buttressed Bea Arthur and Jackie O in a push-up bra stuffed with the hard-earned cash of some beta male I cheated on. Good thinking.

By Friday I hope to a) screw my way to executive assistant, b) replace some poor slob who works really hard, or c) file a sexual harassment lawsuit. We’ll just see what the week brings, like whether or not the boss is a lesbian. Fingers crossed!

Spent the rest of the workday playing Candy Crush and convincing Dale from accounting to do everything for me. Stringing Dale along is why I keep coming in. It makes all the pretending to work worth it. I might boink him someday, but I want to see how low he’ll stoop for a bit of action.

I don’t get off on it per se, in so much that I don’t get off. Ever. At all. But I pretend that I could, just to make all the guys I’ve ever been with feel like losers. Watching them fumble and feel emasculated without pants is like Christmas – if I were to sleep with Santa and watch him fumble and feel emasculated without pants.

mens-rights-venn-diagram

Went to happy hour after work and didn’t pay a dime. Cosmos just appeared in front of me. Dumb guys just handed me cash for being hot, and I filled my bra until Bea Arthur and Jackie O ballooned up like the boobs of evil women on TV. My role models, natch.

Some dude wearing a huge, purple hat came up to me and said I looked like an uglier Angelina Jolie. He lifted his shirt to show that his torso was hard, rippling, and embroidered with diamonds so he had every right to tell me that. I hooked up with him in the men’s room. That’ll show him.

Went home and let loose a series of drunken, liar tweets about how hard my life is and how I want equality. Even inebriated, it’s important to keep my stilettoed foot on the neck of men everywhere. Those tweets and opinion pieces just skewer them. More powerful than the laws of God or man are the messages I hastily type with my thumbs.

A good Tuesday over all, but did not receive free coffee by sexily slow jamming my order. The barista must’ve taken the red pill.

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Food

Woman begs city council to bring back McRib

The McRib Shortage of ’15. It was the single greatest tragedy this country has ever endured. But one woman, one brave voice, said, “No. This will not do.” #mcrib #sheslovinit

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mcrib-woman

Well over a year ago a tragic event occurred: In the fall of 2015, the executives of McDonald’s made a grave decision, the consequences of which are still felt to this day. They decided that when the McRib was released that year it would… it would allow the regional managers to decide whether or not they would offer the McRib. As a result, a staggering 45 percent of McDonald’s locations elected not to offer the McRib. It was the single greatest tragedy this country has ever endured. But one woman, one brave voice, said, “No. This will not do.”

First off, shout out to Reader James from Lake Elsinore, CA for alerting us to the tale of hardship and heroism. You see, when Xanthe Pajarillo, a “McRib activist,” realized that none of the ten McDonald’s locations in her hometown of Santa Clarita would be offering the McRib, she did what any reasonable red-blooded American citizen would do. She brought the issue before the city council.

Now it is no secret that the McRib Shortage of ’15 nearly brought the nation to a standstill. In fact, if it weren’t for the release of a special McRib locator app, experts speculate that America would have ceased to exist as it does today. But amidst all of the rolling blackouts, the deaths, and the riots, we overlooked all of the smaller, personal tragedies that took place because of the cruel decision made by nearly half of McDonald’s regional managers.

In her impassioned plea to the Santa Clarita city council, Pajarillo explained just why the McRib meant so much to her and her family, and why the city council had to act in order to bring it back.

“The removal of the McRib from the menu has affected my family, because every Thanksgiving, my family would, like, order a 50-piece chicken McNugget and like, 10 McRibs. It was like, a tradition in our family, and now it’s like—well, like my family’s holiday spirit is kind of messed up and broken.”

Recently Pajarillo heroic speech before the city council has gone viral, gaining attention at the national stage across social media. Since that dramatic event, Pajarillo has continued to fight for the return of the McRib, even going so far as to release a song dubbed “The McRib Blues.” In it, she lays bare her soul and the souls of those like her to whom the McRib is more than just a barbecue pork sandwich, but is instead, a way of life.

There are those out there, deplorables who hardly deserve mention, that call her bravery nothing more than a stunt. Performance art holding up a mirror to America’s consumerism and obsession. However, others stand by the truth. Pajarillo is a hero, fighting for both a sandwich, but also for something more. Something ephemeral. That little piece of Americana that brings us all together. The McRib.

Fight on, brave warrior, fight on.

♪ Cause we have right to eat what we like, McRib is worth the fight ♪

Still can’t get enough of the McRib? Learn how a McRib is made, courtesy of BuzzFeed.

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Humor

Raddest Things of the Week: Dabbing on Paul Ryan and Jack in the Box tacos

Welcome back, Men’s Traitors. Happy New Year! For the first time in 2017 we’re kicking off our weekly Menstration, our highly subjective weekly roundup of the BAD and RAD from this week.

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Jack in the Box taco
raddest things

Image: This is so rad

Welcome back, Men’s Traitors. Happy New Year! For the first time in 2017 we’re kicking off our weekly Menstration, our highly subjective weekly roundup of the BAD and RAD from this week…It’s the Men’s Trait’s Raddest Things of the Week award.

Before I get into the nominees, how about a breakdown of our process? We get hundreds of nominees per week from readers. If you want to nominate someone, there are about 3 ways to reach us:

  1. You can submit nominees to our Facebook page.
  2. You can tweet us your nonimations at @MensTraitOnline or  @johnpsousa using the hashtag #MTRaddestPersonOftheWeek or #MTDBagOfTheWeek.
  3. You can email us at “editorial at 301digitalmedia dot com” with “MT D-Bag Of The Week Nominee” or “MT Raddest Things of the Week” in the subject line.

Depending on the nominee, we’ll publish a post, and then we’ll keep track of them all week. Our staff then votes (sometimes after a vigorous Slack debate). So, you can submit items on people/things that were RAD or people/things that are BAD and we will break them down.

 Raddest Thing of the Week #1: NFL Playoffs

That’s right Jim, Playoffs! This is bittersweet for me, because I’m a Raiders fan. We haven’t been in the playoffs since we lost Super Bowl XXXVII to the Buccaneers. And here comes this year, we’re 12-4 but I’m miserable, because our best player, Derek Carr, who I may or may not want to leave my family and get an apartment with, broke his leg. I miss his leadership. I miss his musk. Anyway, tomorrow afternoon we play Houston in the Wild Card round, and our starting quarterback is a rookie starting his first ever game. Luckily, the Texans quarterback is Brock Osweiler, AKA Broke Assweiler. Khalil Mack is gonna sack the shit out of him and we might just survive to get run by the Patriots next week. Good times.

Raddest Dog of the Week: Scarface

Scarface the dog

Image: Twitter

Originally we’d planned to make his owner, Florida Woman Brenda Guerrero, our first D-bag of the Week of 2017, and she was obviously our first nominee. But we decided to honor Scarface the Pit Bull, the dog upon whom Brenda and her dipshit husband tried to put a stupid sweater. Scarface reacted accordingly and mauled the shit out of them. Good dog, Scarface.

D-bag of the Week Nominee #1: Baynard Woods

Baynard Woods wrote an essay for Vox in their “First Person” section, which, according to the description, is “Vox’s home for compelling, provocative narrative essays.” You may recognize “First Person” as the place where you read about the assholes who live like Victorians. Woods fires up his trusty Selectra and wrote a long essay about getting a vasectomy.

You’d think a dude getting a vasectomy wouldn’t be that big of a deal. Hundreds of thousands of men get them every year. And there’s only one reason for a dude to get a vasectomy, and that’s because he doesn’t want any kids. Or any more kids. But either way, the whole point of a vasectomy is to prevent getting someone pregnant.

So obviously, we know why Baynard Woods wanted a vasectomy, he doesn’t want any kids. But Baynard Woods and his wife don’t have any kids yet, and don’t ever want kids. So he got a vasectomy. I’m still trying to figure out why this couldn’t have been communicated via Tweet instead of a 4000 word essay about a hipsters nuts getting snipped.

Let’s take a look at some choice excerpts, shall we?

In the section, “How my wife and I knew we didn’t want to have children,” we get our first clue about what kind of people we are dealing with:

We have family meetings and hash out all the pros and cons and then make a decision and do not waver from it. We used to start the meetings playing instruments and singing “Boil the Cabbage Down” and end them with “I Shall Not Be Moved.”

Sounds awesome.

My wife, who is marked as “President” of the family on the cover of the red notebook, did not like playing music — my first big husbandly mistake was buying her the mandolin that I wanted her to play — and soon nixed the musical ritual.

I wish she was writing this essay. She probably could have explained it in a tweet. Like, “Baynard got a vasectomy because we don’t want kids kthanksbai.”

Neither of us are particularly attached to our own genes. We don’t need to see ourselves or each other reflected in some small face.

Every essay by people who don’t want kids includes some condescending shit like this. Like parents are narcissists who only reproduce to live vicariously through their spawn. Okay, some parents are like that, but most of the time they’re too busy cleaning that small face, or arguing with that small face about which goddam spoon they want to use at dinner to see anything reflected in that face but deep, soul-crushing regret.

We don’t own a car, we rent an apartment in downtown Baltimore (with no interest in owning), and not having a kid seems like another way to reduce our carbon footprint.

If that “Boil the Cabbage Down” shit wasn’t enough to convince you that this was hipster solipsism, then this shit about not having a car and renting should convince you.

He then goes through some boilerplate people trying to convince him he’s wrong and then we get to my favorite part.

To make it worse, I have a deeply pessimistic view of the long-term future. I suspect that within the next couple of generations, some catastrophe will wipe out millions, if not billions, of people. If not my children, then my grandchildren will either be cannibals or be eaten by cannibals.

LOL.

My wife disagreed with me on this point. She believed in the goodness of people and the idea of progress, that there is a moral arc to the universe. Her desire not to have children was not as motivated by fear as mine — at least until after the election of Donald Trump.

Oh God. Now this is turning into my Facebook feed of the last 8 weeks or so, all the people who live in “Blue States” (I love you all!) who see people in flyover country as cannibals. Jesus Christ.

(Another friend, a woman, texted me to say, “I remember u telling me once about not wanting to have kids because our world is gonna be like a Cormac McCarthy book. I agree. And that makes me sad.”)

Texting! Also Cormac McCarthy is unreadable.

The essay then gets into the only really compelling and important point, which is that the burden of birth control falls disproportionately on women, and he wanted to give his wife a break from a lifetime of hormonal birth control. This is good and admirable, and if the essay had been a blog post about this part I would not be spending so much time giving Baynard Woods so much shit.

Anyway you get the point, read it if you like.

D-bag of the Week: Facebook Live Torture Porn

Oh man Wednesday. You may have seen it live or read about it sense, but Jesus Christ was this awful. A group of 4 African Americans kidnapped and tortured a mentally disabled white guy while screaming “Fuck white people” and “Fuck Donald Trump.”

The four have been charged with hate crimes in addition to kidnapping and torture, as they should have been. But now the usual subjects can claim that white people and Trump supporters are in danger from Black Lives Matter thugs.

Good job, good effort, gang.

Anyway back to the Rad Stuff.

Raddest Thing of the Week Nominee #2: Jack in the Box Tacos

jack-in-the-box-tacos

Image: John’s iPhone

Reader Brendan from Santa Monica brought this Wall Street Journal article about Jack in the Box tacos, “Americans Eat 554 Million Jack in the Box Tacos a Year, and No One Knows Why.” I’ll tell you why: they are cheap and delicious.

The filling is also of controversial provenance. My brother once asked the woman behind the counter of a Salinas Jack in the Box what kind of meat was in the tacos, and she said, “Carne de soy.” And it’s a widely held belief that the tacos are vegetarian, although there does appear to at least some beef in the mixture (also, guy, is it possible the employee didn’t purposely “mislead” you? Maybe fast food workers have shitty pay and training and she just didn’t know.).

Anyway in addition to the celebrity fans listed in the article, we also get news that hipster foodies are planning to create versions of the tacos with fancy ingredients that sell for $18 for 3. That misses the entire fucking point of Jack in the Box tacos, which is that they are 2 for $.99 (in Franklin, TN yesterday, they were actually 2 for $1.19).

Don’t fuck up a good thing.

Raddest Thing of the Week: The Cool Teen Dabbing on Paul Ryan

Paul Ryan gets dabbed on by cool teen

Image: CSPAN

Nice work son. Dab on them Fools. When you’re no longer grounded I hope you go out and get hella Jack in the Box tacos. You’ve earned them.

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