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MT Douchebag

We haven’t done a D-bag of the week in a while. Sorry about that. But we’re back at it, and we promise to be more consistent in this regard. We have a number of solid nominees this week, but we’ve got a terrific winner.

First up, we have Nathaniel Peters and Martha Jane Sloan…er, Peters for their douchetacular wedding announcement in the New York Times. Feel free to read it, but you may want to get one of those airline barf bags. They’re not our winners because Will deFries at postgradproblems.com already went in on them. My favorite part, when Nathaniel (and you just know he gets all prissy and butthurt if you try to call him “Nate”) was described as “heady” by one of his friends. Allow Mr. deFries to retort:

I’m fairly certain that when I describe someone as “heady,” I’m not using it in the same way as Nathaniel is using it. My heady friends smoke weed and have usernames on Nugs.net. Nathaniel simply means that his friends have pretentiously intellectual conversations before dancing in the kitchen. I get the feeling a third of his friends have been in acapella groups at some point in their lives, and that’s a low estimate.

Our next nominee is Hillsborough County (Florida) Commissioner Stacy White, who filed a “hostile work environment” complaint with the county HR department because the City of Tampa raised a rainbow flag in solidarity with the victims of the Pulse nightclub massacre in Orlando. “I wish to state for the record that, even if there is deemed to be zero liability from an HR perspective, it is still — in my view — unconscionable that the county administrator didn’t express to the board that this divisive symbol might create an uncomfortable workplace environment for many of his employees.” Divisive symbol, she says, before promising to “see you next Tuesday,” I’m imagining. The CNN article actually contains a murderer’s row (pun intended) of D-Bag of the Week nominees, including Pastor Roger Jimenez of Sacramento, California, Florida Attorney General Pam Bondi, and Donald Trump (who is ineligible for the Award, because, let’s face it, nobody else would have a chance).

Speaking of Trump, our First Runner Up for the Men’s Trait D-bag of the Week Award is self-styled Patriot and 3 Percenter Jim Stachowiak. First let’s take a look at his video, which was submitted for our approval by a staff member who found it on Reddit

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5abq7Pgp3K8

Watching this video on Wednesday sent me down a 45-minute clickhole in which I learned about the afore-mentioned “3 Percenters,” which is based on an apocryphal (is there a more appropriate word for 2016 than “apocryphal?”) view that the Continental Army during the American Revolution was made up of 3% of the population of the colonies. As you can imagine by just looking at this asshole, fondling his penis extension brandishing his assault weapon menacingly as he lisps through a litany of conspiracy theories a promises to meet Black Lives Matter rioters with armed resistance in Cleveland. A couple of highlights of said clickhole:

  • Jim mentions the “Black Lives Matter Rapper” Ted (sick) Poe. He meant Tef Poe. Ted Poe is a Republican congressman from Houston, Texas. Tef Poe is featured in this Infowars article. Jim gets a lot of his info from Infowars.
  • Jim says there were 6 white women found chopped up in freezers with “Black Lives Matter” written on their hands. I couldn’t find that, other than Snopes debunking it, natch. But I did find this article about 19 women being found in Chicago with “Black Lives Matter” carved into the skin.

We reached out to Jim for comment and he hasn’t responded as of press time.

In any normal week, Jim would have won going away. But this is no normal week. For our winner, we stay closer to home, in Tennessee (Men’s Trait’s offices are in Middle Tennessee).

Men’s Trait’s D-bag of the Week: Rick Tyler

Rick Tyler is an independent candidate for congress in Tennessee’s 3rd Congressional District who put up a couple of billboards along Highway 411 near Benton, Tennessee. One of them said, “MAKE AMERICA WHITE AGAIN.” The other one said, “I HAVE A DREAM” above of picture of the White House festooned with Rebel Flags. Is there video? You bet there’s video.

Of course he only believes in “truth,” and if people don’t like it, too bad. I wish I could say something funny about this. But just look at this smug prick. He puts 1965 as the year that “social engineers” started changing this country for the worst. I’m curious if he’s referring to the Voting Rights Act of 1965, which finally gave black people the right to fully participate in elections. Ironically, he takes a shot at the “pathetic” 18 year-olds who need “safe spaces” in universities, comparing them to the 18 year-olds who “stormed the beaches of Normandy.” But what exactly is “MAKE AMERICA WHITE AGAIN” than a call for the creation of one giant safe space for pale wrinkled phallus crania like him? His entire campaign website is plagiarized from V-Dare and Stormfront. Let’s a take a look!

His immigration policy reads:

A permanent European American majority must be galvanized to insure the nation’s well-being and survival. In the interest of this objective we must return to pre-1960’s immigration laws and policies, deport the vast millions of illegal aliens currently residing within our nation, secure our southern border, terminate policies that subsidize minority birth rates, and encourage the escalation of European and Caucasian immigration from such countries as former Rhodesia and South Africa in the largest possible numbers (emphasis added).

Remember that Dylann Roof had the flags of Rhodesia and apartheid South Africa on his jacket in those photos he took before murdering 9 African-American churchgoers in Charleston, 1 year ago this week. This is not a coincidence. Rick Tyler, behind his smooth talk and friendly smile is advocating genocide.

So congratulations, Rick Tyler! You’re Men’s Trait’s D-Bag of the Week. Douche with Pride.

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Satire

From the MRA Evidence Archives: The Journal of a Normal, Average Feminist

Awoke and whispered to my boobs, Bea Arthur and Jackie O, “It’s Tuesday. You know what that means, ladies? Time to oppress some dudes.”

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barbie doll head being gripped by dirty hands
THIS CONTENT WAS REPUBLISHED FROM AN EARLIER DATE.

 Tuesday July 5, 2016

Awoke and whispered to my boobs, Bea Arthur and Jackie O, “It’s Tuesday. You know what that means, ladies? Time to oppress some dudes.”

Walked to work wearing my plunging crop top that says, “This is what a feminist looks like,” hot pants, and six-inch heels. Tossed my hair a lot and sexily chewed my lower lip. Dropped change so I could slowly bend over and pick it up. It took me about an hour to walk five blocks, which is standard.

Exceeded my catcall goal by seven, a personal best. Super flattering, of course, but will pretend to be terrified and make men feel bad about it with a bunch of tweets. That’ll show them.

Some dowdy librarian tried to help me with the change I kept dropping, and she got catcalled too! No one invades my catcalling turf. Slapped the books right out of her hands. Mostly by Hemingway, whom I both hate and would totally do if he were alive.

Arrived late per usual, but the boss didn’t say anything, just stared at my tits and gave me a pass. I had buttressed Bea Arthur and Jackie O in a push-up bra stuffed with the hard-earned cash of some beta male I cheated on. Good thinking.

By Friday I hope to a) screw my way to executive assistant, b) replace some poor slob who works really hard, or c) file a sexual harassment lawsuit. We’ll just see what the week brings, like whether or not the boss is a lesbian. Fingers crossed!

Spent the rest of the workday playing Candy Crush and convincing Dale from accounting to do everything for me. Stringing Dale along is why I keep coming in. It makes all the pretending to work worth it. I might boink him someday, but I want to see how low he’ll stoop for a bit of action.

I don’t get off on it per se, in so much that I don’t get off. Ever. At all. But I pretend that I could, just to make all the guys I’ve ever been with feel like losers. Watching them fumble and feel emasculated without pants is like Christmas – if I were to sleep with Santa and watch him fumble and feel emasculated without pants.

mens-rights-venn-diagram

Went to happy hour after work and didn’t pay a dime. Cosmos just appeared in front of me. Dumb guys just handed me cash for being hot, and I filled my bra until Bea Arthur and Jackie O ballooned up like the boobs of evil women on TV. My role models, natch.

Some dude wearing a huge, purple hat came up to me and said I looked like an uglier Angelina Jolie. He lifted his shirt to show that his torso was hard, rippling, and embroidered with diamonds so he had every right to tell me that. I hooked up with him in the men’s room. That’ll show him.

Went home and let loose a series of drunken, liar tweets about how hard my life is and how I want equality. Even inebriated, it’s important to keep my stilettoed foot on the neck of men everywhere. Those tweets and opinion pieces just skewer them. More powerful than the laws of God or man are the messages I hastily type with my thumbs.

A good Tuesday over all, but did not receive free coffee by sexily slow jamming my order. The barista must’ve taken the red pill.

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Humor

Russia hacks the election, installs malware in White House

Not since the Cold War ended has Russia had a greater influence on a presidential election, and that was before Russia’s grand strategy came to fruition on election day.

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The rumours that have been spreading for months now have finally been proven true as a group of Russian hackers, working as part of an as of yet unidentified cell, were able to pull off one of the most unlikely schemes in the history of national espionage. In a multi-prong attack that included leaking sensitive data, phishing scams, and reliance on the average American’s decidedly below average intelligence, in the early hours of the morning on November 9th, Russia was able to install a dangerous piece of malware directly into the White House.

Throughout the entire election this year, the number one hot button words has been: Russia. What is going to be America’s response to Russia’s aggressive expansionist policies? Was Russia truly responsible for the leak of the Democratic National Conventions emails as the Obama administration has asserted? Does Vladamir Putin support Donal Trump as President of the United States? Does Trump have ties to Putin? Does Clinton have ties to Putin?

Not since the Cold War ended has Russia had a greater influence on a presidential election, and that was before Russia’s grand strategy came to fruition on election day. As votes were being tallied and Americans were glued to the drama on their screens, officials at the White House were becoming ever more aware that a possible Russian attack was taking place. Despite their best efforts, including President Obama himself trying to directly intervene and prevent the installation, they were unable to stop the hack.

When asked how the Russian hackers were able to slip their malware through what is surely the most sacred and protected office, computer, in America, officials responded by comparing the hack to a DDoS attack. The system was simply overwhelmed by the bombardment of meaningless data that the malware spouted at it. In the end, it froze up under the barrage of nonsense and its defenses were easily circumvented by the malware, allowing it to be installed.

Analysts around the country and the globe are even at this moment still trying to predict the full effect this malware could have on the United States. Many have approached it from an optimistic viewpoint and believe that even once the effects of this malware begin to be felt on the system, a date still some weeks away as White House officials believe that the malware shouldn’t wholly activate until January 20, that it will ultimately be only a temporary virus that should only take approximately four years to remove.

Others, however, are much more pessimistic. One top analyst commented,

“gud thing Ill be in Canada when ur all getting nuked #NotMyPresidnt”

Another shared,

“We are walking step-by-step into a postmodern death, an extinction.”

The malware has already proven to have an effect on the global economy at large, with even the threat of it causing the stock market to be expected to crash. When the market opened the morning following the news of the Russian hack, however, the market rose. Then fell. Then evened out to about where it was before. Experts believe this will mimic the ultimate effect the malware itself will bring to the global economy.

Only time will tell what the malware is programmed to do. Despite top experts’ attempts to analyze its code, none have been able to decipher its apparently random and chaotic actions. Some have even said that it has no programming at all. The malware’s only goal was to be installed in the White House, and it has no other functions beyond that.

We can only hope.

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Satire

Hillary Clinton apologizes for not rigging election properly

In her Nov. 9 concession speech, Hillary Clinton said, “Donald Trump is going to be our president. We owe him an open mind and the chance to lead.”

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Hillary Clinton says we owe Donald Trump 'an open mind'

“I meant to rig this thing,” said Hillary Clinton the morning after losing the presidential election to Donald Trump. “I mean, technically, more people voted for me than voted for Donald Trump.” She thanked her supporters and then said, “I don’t know why I didn’t use my demonic powers to magically make all of the votes mine. Those international bankers sure fell asleep on the job, too, you know what I mean? How are supposed to finally destroy U.S. Sovereignty without me rigging the shit out of this election? My bad. Maybe next time. Sorry.”

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