In his standup show, “The Pimp Chronicles,” Katt Williams explains that he has Alizé at his house, not because he drinks muthafuckin’ Alizé, but because bitches do. And that, dear reader, is the heart of my message today. If you want women to feel comfortable and spend time at your place, you will need to make your pad accommodating.
Now, not all women have the same needs or preferences. We don’t even all drink Alizé. But there are some things you can do that will generally make your bachelor pad more woman-friendly.
Make it look like you live there
It sets off alarm bells when you enter someone’s house and it looks like a serial killer lured you to a model home or like your host is illegally squatting. I’m not saying you need to learn the intricacies of Feng Shui (also not saying you shouldn’t), but unpack those goddamn boxes you moved in with five years ago. Put some stuff you care about on the walls. Pick up some second-hand furniture that didn’t come from the curb.
Your place should look like it’s yours. Your furniture, collections, and decorations say something about your personality and taste. Whoever’s visiting will likely have some similar interests so don’t worry about “woman approved” stuff. The cliché bachelor pad is slick and swanky, but that’s no good if it makes you feel weird. If you feel comfortable and at home in your surroundings your guests will follow suit.
Keeping everything relatively clean is also a good practice.
A well-stocked bathroom
I don’t know who you seraphim are that never need a lined trashcan or a plunger, but people don’t want to be at your place. There’s enough womanly anxiety about seeming sexy without having to call for backup from the shitter. It should seem obvious, but getting the bathroom down goes a long way when it comes to putting people at ease. You will need:
- A trashcan lined with either a plastic or paper bag. I cannot emphasize how important it is to have a trash receptacle so your guests don’t have to carry their private garbage outside the restroom. What kind of monster thinks that’s okay?
- More than one roll of toilet paper and extra rolls that are easy to find. Bonus points if you have nice toilet paper instead of half-ply sandpaper.
- A plunger and toilet brush that are also easily found by guests. Again, whatever situation requires these implements should be a one-person job.
- Hand towels that don’t look like you rubbed your balls on them.
Decent drink choices
If your abode is to become a place of wooing and entertainment, you probably need more than a case of Milwaukee’s Best. While it’s a delight when someone has a wide and excellent variety of booze, I understand that’s a pricey way to live. For a decent selection I would recommend one type of beer, one type of hard liquor plus one mixer, and one wine. Most people will be able to choose something they like as long as you buy something mid-range or higher. Frankly, Alizé is also a good choice if some of the women (or men) in your life like a buzz, but not the taste of alcohol. If you’ve got your wooing down to one person, then by all means just buy what both of you like best.
There are also people who can’t drink alcohol for any number of reasons. To be really accommodating, have a few fun non-alcoholic beverages like fancy sodas or fresh-squeezed juices. It’s another way to show that you care about people who stay at your place, and a good move if the woman you’re interested in is the designated driver for the night.
Don’t have this shit up
Do I need to explain this? I suppose I said that you should show your taste and personality, so perhaps I should narrow that down. Show your taste and personality with furnishings except for this thing.
I could write a whole essay about why you shouldn’t have this up, especially if you frame it. JFC. Suffice to say that what could have been marginally interesting in a gallery has become a sign of douchiness.
You know what? If you really love this poster, keep it up, and let the women who see it self-select out of your life.