Connect with us

Hillary Clinton says we owe Donald Trump 'an open mind'

“I meant to rig this thing,” said Hillary Clinton the morning after losing the presidential election to Donald Trump. “I mean, technically, more people voted for me than voted for Donald Trump.” She thanked her supporters and then said, “I don’t know why I didn’t use my demonic powers to magically make all of the votes mine. Those international bankers sure fell asleep on the job, too, you know what I mean? How are supposed to finally destroy U.S. Sovereignty without me rigging the shit out of this election? My bad. Maybe next time. Sorry.”

Continue Reading
Advertisement
Click to comment

Satire

From the MRA Evidence Archives: The Journal of a Normal, Average Feminist

Awoke and whispered to my boobs, Bea Arthur and Jackie O, “It’s Tuesday. You know what that means, ladies? Time to oppress some dudes.”

Published

on

barbie doll head being gripped by dirty hands
THIS CONTENT WAS REPUBLISHED FROM AN EARLIER DATE.

 Tuesday July 5, 2016

Awoke and whispered to my boobs, Bea Arthur and Jackie O, “It’s Tuesday. You know what that means, ladies? Time to oppress some dudes.”

Walked to work wearing my plunging crop top that says, “This is what a feminist looks like,” hot pants, and six-inch heels. Tossed my hair a lot and sexily chewed my lower lip. Dropped change so I could slowly bend over and pick it up. It took me about an hour to walk five blocks, which is standard.

Exceeded my catcall goal by seven, a personal best. Super flattering, of course, but will pretend to be terrified and make men feel bad about it with a bunch of tweets. That’ll show them.

Some dowdy librarian tried to help me with the change I kept dropping, and she got catcalled too! No one invades my catcalling turf. Slapped the books right out of her hands. Mostly by Hemingway, whom I both hate and would totally do if he were alive.

Arrived late per usual, but the boss didn’t say anything, just stared at my tits and gave me a pass. I had buttressed Bea Arthur and Jackie O in a push-up bra stuffed with the hard-earned cash of some beta male I cheated on. Good thinking.

By Friday I hope to a) screw my way to executive assistant, b) replace some poor slob who works really hard, or c) file a sexual harassment lawsuit. We’ll just see what the week brings, like whether or not the boss is a lesbian. Fingers crossed!

Spent the rest of the workday playing Candy Crush and convincing Dale from accounting to do everything for me. Stringing Dale along is why I keep coming in. It makes all the pretending to work worth it. I might boink him someday, but I want to see how low he’ll stoop for a bit of action.

I don’t get off on it per se, in so much that I don’t get off. Ever. At all. But I pretend that I could, just to make all the guys I’ve ever been with feel like losers. Watching them fumble and feel emasculated without pants is like Christmas – if I were to sleep with Santa and watch him fumble and feel emasculated without pants.

mens-rights-venn-diagram

Went to happy hour after work and didn’t pay a dime. Cosmos just appeared in front of me. Dumb guys just handed me cash for being hot, and I filled my bra until Bea Arthur and Jackie O ballooned up like the boobs of evil women on TV. My role models, natch.

Some dude wearing a huge, purple hat came up to me and said I looked like an uglier Angelina Jolie. He lifted his shirt to show that his torso was hard, rippling, and embroidered with diamonds so he had every right to tell me that. I hooked up with him in the men’s room. That’ll show him.

Went home and let loose a series of drunken, liar tweets about how hard my life is and how I want equality. Even inebriated, it’s important to keep my stilettoed foot on the neck of men everywhere. Those tweets and opinion pieces just skewer them. More powerful than the laws of God or man are the messages I hastily type with my thumbs.

A good Tuesday over all, but did not receive free coffee by sexily slow jamming my order. The barista must’ve taken the red pill.

Continue Reading

Humor

Russia hacks the election, installs malware in White House

Not since the Cold War ended has Russia had a greater influence on a presidential election, and that was before Russia’s grand strategy came to fruition on election day.

Published

on

The rumours that have been spreading for months now have finally been proven true as a group of Russian hackers, working as part of an as of yet unidentified cell, were able to pull off one of the most unlikely schemes in the history of national espionage. In a multi-prong attack that included leaking sensitive data, phishing scams, and reliance on the average American’s decidedly below average intelligence, in the early hours of the morning on November 9th, Russia was able to install a dangerous piece of malware directly into the White House.

Throughout the entire election this year, the number one hot button words has been: Russia. What is going to be America’s response to Russia’s aggressive expansionist policies? Was Russia truly responsible for the leak of the Democratic National Conventions emails as the Obama administration has asserted? Does Vladamir Putin support Donal Trump as President of the United States? Does Trump have ties to Putin? Does Clinton have ties to Putin?

Not since the Cold War ended has Russia had a greater influence on a presidential election, and that was before Russia’s grand strategy came to fruition on election day. As votes were being tallied and Americans were glued to the drama on their screens, officials at the White House were becoming ever more aware that a possible Russian attack was taking place. Despite their best efforts, including President Obama himself trying to directly intervene and prevent the installation, they were unable to stop the hack.

When asked how the Russian hackers were able to slip their malware through what is surely the most sacred and protected office, computer, in America, officials responded by comparing the hack to a DDoS attack. The system was simply overwhelmed by the bombardment of meaningless data that the malware spouted at it. In the end, it froze up under the barrage of nonsense and its defenses were easily circumvented by the malware, allowing it to be installed.

Analysts around the country and the globe are even at this moment still trying to predict the full effect this malware could have on the United States. Many have approached it from an optimistic viewpoint and believe that even once the effects of this malware begin to be felt on the system, a date still some weeks away as White House officials believe that the malware shouldn’t wholly activate until January 20, that it will ultimately be only a temporary virus that should only take approximately four years to remove.

Others, however, are much more pessimistic. One top analyst commented,

“gud thing Ill be in Canada when ur all getting nuked #NotMyPresidnt”

Another shared,

“We are walking step-by-step into a postmodern death, an extinction.”

The malware has already proven to have an effect on the global economy at large, with even the threat of it causing the stock market to be expected to crash. When the market opened the morning following the news of the Russian hack, however, the market rose. Then fell. Then evened out to about where it was before. Experts believe this will mimic the ultimate effect the malware itself will bring to the global economy.

Only time will tell what the malware is programmed to do. Despite top experts’ attempts to analyze its code, none have been able to decipher its apparently random and chaotic actions. Some have even said that it has no programming at all. The malware’s only goal was to be installed in the White House, and it has no other functions beyond that.

We can only hope.

Continue Reading

Satire

Donald Trump, Jr. takes over San Francisco Giants’ Twitter account

It’s simple logic, really: Donald Trump, Jr., tweets out anti-semitic memes. The Giants sent out an anti-semitic tweet. Donald Trump, Jr. is in charge of the Giants Twitter account, QED.

Published

on

Last night, the San Francisco Giants played their arch-rivals, the LA Dodgers and beat them 2-0. But the big news this morning is from Monday night’s game, and it’s not about the Bumgarner/Puig fight.

No, it’s the unfortunate tweet sent by the Giants’ new Social Media Intern, Donald Trump, Jr.

Image: Twitter

Image: Twitter

Now, a lot of you are probably saying to yourselves, “Jesus Christ, why are you being so goddam politically correct, bro? A ‘K’ is a strikeout in the scorebook, and the dude’s name is Kiké and Mad-Bum struck him out 3 times!”

Okay, yes, I get that. I know how Baseball works, champ. But at the very least he could have added the accent on the end of Kiké so that it didn’t look like an anti-semitic slur. At the very least. 

And then you’re probably asking yourself, “Well, how do you know it was Donald Trump, Jr.? I mean he has a job working for the old man, and he’s probably a Yankees fan like his dad anyway, or maybe a Red Sox fan because he shares similar taste in memes with Curt Schilling.”

Well, I don’t know for sure that Donald Trump, Jr. is working as the social media intern for the San Francisco Giants, but I made that deduction based on the similarity of the “KKKike” tweet and some of the things Donald Trump, Jr. has tweeted.

Let’s start with the most recent controversial tweet, The Skittles Tweet, an analogy which can be credibly traced to a book for Nazi schoolchildren:

Then there was his “gas chamber” comment, which a lot of people took to be a reference to the Holocaust. At first, I was skeptical of this one, I took it to be a reference to capital punishment. Maybe that’s because I grew up in California where that was still how they did it. But enough people, including a number of actual neo-nazis, took it as a Holocaust reference, so where there’s…um…if it walks like a duck, etc…

He posted a photo featuring himself and his dad and Pepe the Frog, the alt-right’s favorite Nazi Meme on Instagram. He retweets a lot of white supremacists.

It’s simple logic, really: Donald Trump, Jr., tweets out anti-semitic memes. The Giants sent out an anti-semitic tweet. Donald Trump, Jr. is in charge of the Giants Twitter account, QED.

 

Continue Reading

Trending