Hickeys can cause strokes and kill you so let’s just get straight to oral

Woman kissing a man on the neck
Image: Aleksandra Kovac/Shutterstock

A 17 year-old in Mexico City died due to complications from a hickey reports Fox 17 Nashville. After an evening of fun with his 24 year-old girlfriend, Julio Macias Gonzalez suffered a stroke and died. Doctors say the first signs of trouble came at the dinner table when the teen began having convulsions. Medical experts indicate they believe a blood clot formed in the teen’s neck from what must have been some necking that was hot AF, but then that blood clot traveled to his brain, leading to the deadly stroke, which was not hot AF.

This wouldn’t be the first time someone had a stroke from a hickey. In 2010, a report in the New Zealand Medical Journal referenced identified a 44 year-old woman who was rushed to the hospital after losing movement in her arm. It is accepted that this loss of movement was the result of a hickey on her neck. Dr. Teddy Whu, the physician who treated the woman, said the clot was in an “artery underneath where the hickey was.” Dr. Whu also said the suction had caused minor bruising inside the blood vessel. Luckily for the woman, her clot traveled to her heart, not her brain, and she was treated for an acute ischemic stroke and returned home.

Not that we want to make light of this situation, but it does raise some interesting awareness about the dangers of sexual activity — like how it’s time to just skip stuff like making out with someone’s neck and get straight on to oral sex. When was the last time someone had a stroke from getting a blow job or having their vagina munched on? Never, that’s when. Besides avoiding strokes and dying, hickeys are just kind of trashy, and it is impossible to hide them from our spouses and significant others.

Here are some additional reasons to avoid giving/getting hickeys:

  • They actually kind of hurt, since they’re just like a bruise. The small ones are fine, but get a big ass hickey on your neck and that means it’s going to be a little sore.
  • They leave evidence of intimacy. Whether you want to hide that from your mother, your wife or your employer, you know with oral sex the evidence is swallowed or wiped up, leaving no proof of your activity. Plus, when was the last time you got off from a little neck play? And, if you can get off from a little neck play, fuck you, because I’m jealous.
  • Did I mention that they’re trashy? Because they’re trashy.
  • The neck likes subtlety, and light kisses or a soft licking/nibbling are far more physically gratifying than some twat biting and sucking viciously on your neck.
  • Dripping hot wax on the most sensitive parts of the neck is sexy, but devouring it like a fat kid devours cake is decidedly not sexy.
  • Vampires suck on necks, and vampires are why we have the Twilight series. Let’s not normalize these abominations’ deplorable and ungodly acts.

Joking aside, a young man died at the hands of an older woman — who is like totally fleeing to America before Trump builds his wall — and that’s really sad. Every young man deserves a loving and protective cougar to teach him the ropes, but sadly cougars bite. And he’s dead. Long live oral sex.

Men’s Trait would like to genuinely offer our sincere condolences to the Gonzales family. We’re assholes and will make a joke out of anything, but we truly wish comfort to the family during such a difficult time.

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Preston Hemmerich

Preston has bold opinions about one's societal responsibility, capitalism, and how plebes ought to be treated. Preston also forgets that sarcasm and satire seldom are detected on the internet and deploys their use frequently regardless.