#BoycottTarget And Protesting Like A Real Conservative

Written by | Satire, Trending, Viral Stuff


In the midst of all this controversy surrounding which restrooms “trans people” should use, the one reflective of their gender or of their biological sex, protests and boycotts of various companies with LGBT-friendly policies have sprung up all over the country. And rightfully so!

If you hold conservative values, you know that standing up for what is right trumps political correctness any day of the week. It even trumps Trump himself, who just last week said that people should be able to use the bathroom that they feel is appropriate for them.

This whole bathroom issue is nonsense and more of an attempt from the political sphere to appease the leftist, communist, fascist, holistic medicine-men, hippie, man-bun sporting, beard-trimming, kale-chewing, spoon-fed, blood-sucking liberals and Democrats.

The most popular of the movements against these attempts to allow male perverts to go into bathrooms with our daughters, wives, grandmothers, great-grandmothers, and nieces has been the #BoycottTarget petition that is being passed around on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram. With almost 900,000 signatures on the American Family Association’s webpage alone, we are making headway with common sense and good old fashioned American values.


But if I’m being honest, I’m not entirely happy with the way that we are spreading our message. Not only are we using popular social media platforms, who all overwhelmingly support LGBT rights, to fight back against other companies who also support LGBT rights, but we are patronizing LGBT-friendly companies in nearly limitless ways as we go throughout our daily lives.

As conservative Americans, we deserve to have a way to stand up to companies that don’t hold our values without having to resort to other companies who don’t share our values either. In a world as complicated and messed up as the one we live in, this is a difficult problem to solve, but with a bit of hard work and determination, I believe I have come up with a way to effectively fight back against the rising tide of liberal political correctness and “gender fluidity.”

  1. Don’t use Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram to spread the word. All three of these companies have stated their open support for the LGBT community and should not benefit from our protest.
  2. Drive a Kia or a Hyundai. According to GayWheels, a site that documents which car manufacturers support LGBT rights and which ones don’t, the only two car brands that have not made special accommodations for their LGBT employees are Kia and Hyundai. So trade in that Honda, the Chevy, and grandpa’s Cadillac—we’re all driving Sol’s from now on. Or maybe just walk or ride a bike instead of giving those commies your cash.
  3. All protest materials (posters, markers, wicker baskets, etc.) should all be purchased exclusively from Hobby Lobby. With their firm stance on religious freedom, they, of all the arts & crafts superstores, are deserving of our hard-earned money. Seeing as how much the gays love scrapbooking, you know they’re leaving actual cash on the table. That is what you call principled.
  4. Speaking of hard-earned money, always use cash. Citi, Visa, Mastercard—all have voiced acceptance of liberal principles like LGBT rights. They might have ruined your credit score, but you don’t have to let them ruin the country you love and your children’s future too. But since the U.S. allows Gay Marriage and allows Gays to serve in the Military, we suggest you use the Saudi Riyal. Sure, it may only equal $.27, and they may be Terrorists but they don’t like the gays either.
  5. Eat exclusively at Chik-Fil-A. Being one of the only chain restaurants brave enough to stand up for conservative values (and the home of the original chick’n sandwich), they are our only allies in this war of ideas. Hungry on Sunday? Go to the church potluck. Don’t forget to put bacon AND ham in the green beans. ***Beware*** Make sure you don’t eat at this Chik-Fil-A in TN, or any of the other franchise locations that are not falling in line with corporate’s message.
  6. Buy your clothes at Forever 21. You may look like a gay when you’re done but at least you won’t be supporting them.
  7. If possible, construct a ham radio for communication purposes. Companies like AT&T, Verizon, and Sprint have also adopted these liberal policies, alongside e-mail providers like AOL, Google, and Comcast. Parts can be acquired from Radioshack, your local hobby store, or simply pulled from electronics you currently own. And also the NSA can’t tap a ham radio signal, everybody knows that, so it literally gives a middle finger to Big Government. DO NOT BUY THEM FROM AMAZON OR EBAY. Both are in support of LGBT rights, as well. Full instructions here.

While this is just a short list of some of the ways that you can make a clear and conservative difference in this messed-up world we live in, where up is down, being gay is “cool,” and going to college is “the smart thing to do,” there are still many, many more people out there just like you who don’t know the truth about the companies they support on a daily basis.

Change that today.

Buy a Kia Ride bike. Install that ham radio. Do the right thing.

God Bless America!


Last modified: April 28, 2016