Election night cocktails for every party and outcome

November 8th looms, as well as its potential outcomes. In a mixture of celebration and anxiety, some may turn to drinking on a Tuesday night as election results come in.

I am nothing, if not helpful and/or an enabler. If you’re going to stay up way too late and drink on a school night, it’s best to do so thematically and in style.

Democrat

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Hillary Rodham Clinton

Sip a French 75 whenever you feel like your party made small, but significant progress. Named for a 75mm field gun, the French 75 is made with lemon juice, gin, and simple syrup topped with a dry sparkling white and garnished with a lemon peel. Choose domestic or imported products depending on how open you believe our trade should be.

Tim Kaine

While Kaine would probably enjoy a beer, I still think you should go with a Not Your Father’s Root Beer float. The ice cream, obviously, should be vanilla. Drink after you tell your kids that they should stay in bed for real this time, but okay, fine, yes, you will tell them one more bedtime story before you go back to watching the results.

Things aren’t going well.

Have a glass of Trump’s New World Reserve, a review of which said, “It tastes expensive, but it has no soul.” Dwell on how that’s the taste of the future.

 

Republican

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Donald Trump

Trump doesn’t drink, but if you do, try a sparkling sangria made with Trump sparkling wine, fruit juice (fresh fruit isn’t The Donald’s style), a splash of brandy, and gold edible glitter. Celebrate with a sip whenever you feel like a winner, which should be always. You’re tremendous, and don’t let anyone say differently.

Mike Pence

Drink a boilermaker when a state goes red. For peak Pence, the whiskey should be Indiana bourbon, and the beer should be Yuengling. The simplicity and lack of glitter may trick you into thinking a boilermaker is harmless and quietly Midwestern, but after some time, you’ll realize just how much influence it has on your blood alcohol level.

Things aren’t going well.

Malört is a Chicago liqueur whose flavor can be described as “Tonight’s the night you fight your dad.” Chicago has not been nice to Trump, be it the removal of an honorary plaza or the chaotic cancellation of a rally. Intensify your misery and desire to blame the Windy City with a shot of Malört.

 

Third Parties

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It’s unlikely for a third party candidate to win the presidency, and supporters know that going in. But that doesn’t mean that they shouldn’t be celebrating or cowering with the rest of us. A big win for a third party would be 5% of the vote, which would qualify them for public funding, and a huge win would be a state, even if it’s not a battle ground.

Libertarians Gary Johnson and Bill Weld

We’ve got another top ticket teetotaler with Gary Johnson, but you can celebrate your victories at your own risk with unregulated alcohol like homemade wine, beer, or moonshine. If you would prefer a somewhat safer cocktail, make a Jägermeister and tonic to honor Johnson’s enthusiasm for “herbs.”

Greens Jill Stein and Ajamu Baraka

Stein looks like she’ll have a better run this year than 2012, and that alone is a reason to raise a glass of whatever organic, non-GMO, sustainably-sourced, fair-trade, not-tested-on-animals cocktail you prefer. Perhaps a Prarie Vodka Bootlegger will do the trick since it’s naturally green and organic. (Don’t look up the recipe on wi-fi, though.)

Independents Evan McMullin and Mindy Finn

A win for this ticket will be if supporters remember that they need to write in Nathan Johnson as a VP, though there’s a real chance they could take Utah. Considering that McMullin is Mormon and many of his supporters are too, I can’t recommend a cocktail. But you go out and do you, whether that’s having a slice of celebratory cake or dancing with joy.

Things aren’t going well.

Frankly, I kind of see this as standard operating procedure for third parties. However, you’re allowed to feel disappointed if your party didn’t achieve their goals. If that happens, chase away the gloom with either a Budweiser or a MGD. Laugh with your friends about how they’re kind of the same thing if you think the country isn’t going to implode, or weep bitter tears into your beer if you think it is.

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