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November 8th looms, as well as its potential outcomes. In a mixture of celebration and anxiety, some may turn to drinking on a Tuesday night as election results come in.

I am nothing, if not helpful and/or an enabler. If you’re going to stay up way too late and drink on a school night, it’s best to do so thematically and in style.

Democrat

Hillary Rodham Clinton

Sip a French 75 whenever you feel like your party made small, but significant progress. Named for a 75mm field gun, the French 75 is made with lemon juice, gin, and simple syrup topped with a dry sparkling white and garnished with a lemon peel. Choose domestic or imported products depending on how open you believe our trade should be.

Tim Kaine

While Kaine would probably enjoy a beer, I still think you should go with a Not Your Father’s Root Beer float. The ice cream, obviously, should be vanilla. Drink after you tell your kids that they should stay in bed for real this time, but okay, fine, yes, you will tell them one more bedtime story before you go back to watching the results.

Things aren’t going well.

Have a glass of Trump’s New World Reserve, a review of which said, “It tastes expensive, but it has no soul.” Dwell on how that’s the taste of the future.

 

Republican

Donald Trump

Trump doesn’t drink, but if you do, try a sparkling sangria made with Trump sparkling wine, fruit juice (fresh fruit isn’t The Donald’s style), a splash of brandy, and gold edible glitter. Celebrate with a sip whenever you feel like a winner, which should be always. You’re tremendous, and don’t let anyone say differently.

Mike Pence

Drink a boilermaker when a state goes red. For peak Pence, the whiskey should be Indiana bourbon, and the beer should be Yuengling. The simplicity and lack of glitter may trick you into thinking a boilermaker is harmless and quietly Midwestern, but after some time, you’ll realize just how much influence it has on your blood alcohol level.

Things aren’t going well.

Malört is a Chicago liqueur whose flavor can be described as “Tonight’s the night you fight your dad.” Chicago has not been nice to Trump, be it the removal of an honorary plaza or the chaotic cancellation of a rally. Intensify your misery and desire to blame the Windy City with a shot of Malört.

 

Third Parties

It’s unlikely for a third party candidate to win the presidency, and supporters know that going in. But that doesn’t mean that they shouldn’t be celebrating or cowering with the rest of us. A big win for a third party would be 5% of the vote, which would qualify them for public funding, and a huge win would be a state, even if it’s not a battle ground.

Libertarians Gary Johnson and Bill Weld

We’ve got another top ticket teetotaler with Gary Johnson, but you can celebrate your victories at your own risk with unregulated alcohol like homemade wine, beer, or moonshine. If you would prefer a somewhat safer cocktail, make a Jägermeister and tonic to honor Johnson’s enthusiasm for “herbs.”

Greens Jill Stein and Ajamu Baraka

Stein looks like she’ll have a better run this year than 2012, and that alone is a reason to raise a glass of whatever organic, non-GMO, sustainably-sourced, fair-trade, not-tested-on-animals cocktail you prefer. Perhaps a Prarie Vodka Bootlegger will do the trick since it’s naturally green and organic. (Don’t look up the recipe on wi-fi, though.)

Independents Evan McMullin and Mindy Finn

A win for this ticket will be if supporters remember that they need to write in Nathan Johnson as a VP, though there’s a real chance they could take Utah. Considering that McMullin is Mormon and many of his supporters are too, I can’t recommend a cocktail. But you go out and do you, whether that’s having a slice of celebratory cake or dancing with joy.

Things aren’t going well.

Frankly, I kind of see this as standard operating procedure for third parties. However, you’re allowed to feel disappointed if your party didn’t achieve their goals. If that happens, chase away the gloom with either a Budweiser or a MGD. Laugh with your friends about how they’re kind of the same thing if you think the country isn’t going to implode, or weep bitter tears into your beer if you think it is.

Booze

11 products that make drinking way too easy

Need to smuggle your booze? Here 19 products that will make it ridiculously easy.

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stuffed the pink panther passed out drunk on park bench

Drinking. As Homer Simpson says, it’s “the cause, and solution, to all of life’s problems.” But these products make it way too easy to get drunk. So you can have the best time you’ll never remember. So Check out our slide show of the products that mkae drinking way too easy.

Fake Tampon Flasks

Booze flask

Image: Amazon.com

These fake Tampons are used to smuggle a few shots worth of booze into events in your purse. Seems like it would work pretty well, since no security guy is going to want to investigate tampons.

And this guy had a pretty awesome comment that’s worth sharing:

For years I used actual tampons to smuggle liquor, and it was a difficult learning process with trial and error. It took several tries to discover that unused tampons hold more liquor than used tampons. However, the technique was still problematic as I would absorb the alcohol too quickly. Once I realized you could siphon the booze orally, things went much more smoothly. But if you don’t add the food coloring you can get caught, and if you do add it people look at you very strangely (which doesn’t make much sense to me given the current popularity of vampires in the media).

“Smartflask”

amazon flask

Image: Amazon.com

This flask is designed to sneak booze into places in the guise of an iPhone. It also includes an integrated bottle opener on the back. It’s a good answer to the question of how can I get hammered for free in a bar?

Tie Flask

Amazon

Image: Amazon.com

Not only do you have to wear a tie at work, but you can’t even get drunk. Well, now you can change that, thanks to this flask tie which can hide up to 8 oz of liquor, conveniently stashed.

Giant Flask

Giant Flask

Image: Amazon

Do you look at most of these flasks and say, “Sure, it looks great, but there’s no way that’s enough to get me drunk.” Well don’t worry, there’s a flask for you too. This giant steel flask can hold up to a gallon of booze. Of course, the fact that it’s impossible to stash discreetly means that it kind of defeats the purpose of a flask.

Ring Bottle Opener

amazon, key openers

Image: Amazon

Do you have a friend who can pop open a beer bottle with a ring, and try as you might you can’t seem to replicate it? Well, these rings with a built-in bottle opener might make it a little bit easier, and give you some beer related versatility.

The Wine Rack

Wine Rack

Image:Amazon

Just in case you’re still having trouble sneaking booze into sporting events, the winerack is yet another option. It uses two refillable bladders inside a bra you can fill with the beverage of your choice and suck it down through a hose though people around you might wonder why your bust is mysteriously shrinking.

Corckcicle

Corkcicile

Image: Amazon

Corckicle is a device that you slide into a beer, chilling it from the inside, delivering ice cold beer much faster than sticking it in a cooler. It’s how James Bond cools his beers before he drinks 10 of them.

The Beer-Belly

Beer Belly

Image: Amazon

Are you a man who likes the idea of the fake, wine smuggling bra, but worries that suddenly appearing in public with ample breasts would mean answering a bunch of awkward questions about when you decided to transition?

Well, the Beer Belly is your answer. Simulating the effects of the cirrhosis that accompanies morbid alcoholism, the Beer Belly lets you sneak 80 ounces of booze into dry events. Honestly, I’m tempted to mock this, but as far as smuggling large amounts of alcohol around, this is absolutely brilliant.

Fake Sunscreen Flask

Sunscreen, Booze

Image: Amazon

You know how those prudes at the waterpark won’t let you bring in booze in the “interest of public safety”? Lame. Show them who’s boss with this sunscreen bottle that is secretly a receptacle for undercover booze smuggling.

Chill Pack

Chill Pack

Image:Amazon

The Chill Pack lets you smuggle booze under the guise of one of those artificial ice packs. It’s pretty convincing, so the odds of anyone catching you with it are pretty slim. The only downside might be that it’s kind of small.

Margaritaville Frozen Drink Maker

Margaritaville

Image: Amazon.com

This drink maker from lets you make three mixed frozen drinks pitchers at the same time. You can even set the dial for the consistency so you can make daiquiris, margaritas or even smoothies. Pretty versatile and great for parties.

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Booze

How to pace your drinking and still have a good time

This guide will provide some tips to pace your drinking, so you can stay in the jolly zone without slipping into the embarrassing, sloppy zone.

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men drinking beer
Drunk young woman with drinking glass

Image: Jiri Miklo

I’ve written a lot about various alcoholic beverages and their charms, but enjoying yourself responsibly is more important than whatever you’re drinking. Yes, having a couple drinks can lead to a pleasant buzz or feeling more comfortable in a social setting, but sometimes a third drink seems like a fantastic idea and a fourth even better and so on, leading you to be the drunk who needs to be put to bed like a child.

This guide will provide some tips to pace your drinking, so you can stay in the jolly zone without slipping into the embarrassing, sloppy zone. But before I get started, if you have issues with alcohol moderation, find help from a doctor, not from a stranger on the Internet.

A Full Stomach

I don’t care how much light beers and Skinny Girl drink mixes tout their low calories, if you’re drinking, you are committing to ingesting a lot of calories because before you drink, you need to eat. Not like a side salad or a cup of yogurt, like a burger or, I don’t know, a big quinoa dish. The point is, when your stomach is empty, booze hits hard.

Having a full stomach won’t prevent you from getting drunk, but it will slow down the alcohol absorption into your system, making it easier to pace your drinking.

Drink Water

Drinking water won’t sober you up, only your body metabolizing alcohol over time, sometimes hours, will do that. However, drinking water will help you pace yourself. In general, it takes about 30 minutes for the full effects of an alcoholic beverage to be felt. Having a glass of water between every alcoholic beverage will give you a chance to fully feel your last drink before starting on another one.

Drinking plenty of water will also help prevent or lessen the symptoms of hangovers. Now that’s a reason to pace your drinking.

Avoid Cocktails and Shots

Technically, one serving of alcohol should have the same amount of intoxicant whether it’s a wine cooler or a Long Island Ice Tea. But with enormous glasses and friendly, heavy-handed bartenders (potentially yourself), it’s a lot harder to make it through a booze-saturated evening with your dignity drinking cocktails than if you go with something pre-bottled.

If you stick to something like bottled beer or wine in small glasses, you have a better chance of keeping your intake steady.

As for shots, I’ve met one person in my entire life who does them responsibly, and it’s not you. Everyone else is trying to get smashed. If you don’t want to be smashed, don’t do shots.

The Mental Check

Before you reach for another drink, take a moment to check-in with how you’re feeling. Look for typical signs of lessening sobriety like a desire to ride mechanical bulls, tell embarrassing, personal stories, or complain loudly about your boss who is also at this party. If you’re not an experienced drinker, there’s no harm in excusing yourself to the restroom to see if you can walk a straight line. Yes, it’s kind of odd, but who cares as long as you’re taking care of yourself?

Maybe you feel barely buzzed, you know you’re not driving that night, and you have another. That’s fine! But it’s worth taking a couple seconds before having the next drink to consider whether it’s a good idea or if you’re about to start senselessly guzzling.

No Competition

Drinking should be enjoyable, not a weird dick measuring contest about whose liver will take the most abuse. I know Americans have made binge drinking both a sign of manliness and a social bonding agent, but trying to drink as much as the other guy for the sake of it is juvenile.

People who aren’t jerks will accept that you don’t want another drink or even anything to drink. But if someone gives you shit, tell them to fuck off with their 24 pack of Keystone Light and crappy attitude.

The Buddy System

It’s your own responsibility to drink in moderation, but a buddy can be a lifesaver when you’re drunker than you think you are.

If possible, when you’re at a boozy shindig, have someone there who won’t pressure you to have another round and give you a reality check when you need to layoff. You two don’t have to be mother hens about it, but when you get water, bring your buddy a glass and vice versa. You and your buddy can agree to order food if necessary. Plus, having someone else there to tell the drink competitor to shove it is helpful, too.

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Booze

There’s a Keurig for cocktails now so let’s party

A Keurig for cocktails! Meet the Bartesian, which uses pods to infuse your booze into a perfect cocktail.

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keurig for cocktails

This cocktail machine is just what you need

A Keurig for cocktails! Meet the Bartesian, which uses pods to infuse your booze into a perfect cocktail. It really is basically a Keurig for cocktails. The Bartesian will debut in March of 2017 but you can pre-order one now for $300. That may seem like a lot of cash to throw down for an appliance, but think of all the credit card debt you won’t be running up on bar tabs when you start ordering shots for strangers. Plus, it’s a Keurig for cocktails. What took them so long?

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