From the MRA Evidence Archives: The Journal of a Normal, Average Feminist
Awoke and whispered to my boobs, Bea Arthur and Jackie O, “It’s Tuesday. You know what that means, ladies? Time to oppress some dudes.”
THIS CONTENT WAS REPUBLISHED FROM AN EARLIER DATE.
Tuesday July 5, 2016
Walked to work wearing my plunging crop top that says, “This is what a feminist looks like,” hot pants, and six-inch heels. Tossed my hair a lot and sexily chewed my lower lip. Dropped change so I could slowly bend over and pick it up. It took me about an hour to walk five blocks, which is standard.
Exceeded my catcall goal by seven, a personal best. Super flattering, of course, but will pretend to be terrified and make men feel bad about it with a bunch of tweets. That’ll show them.
Some dowdy librarian tried to help me with the change I kept dropping, and she got catcalled too! No one invades my catcalling turf. Slapped the books right out of her hands. Mostly by Hemingway, whom I both hate and would totally do if he were alive.
Arrived late per usual, but the boss didn’t say anything, just stared at my tits and gave me a pass. I had buttressed Bea Arthur and Jackie O in a push-up bra stuffed with the hard-earned cash of some beta male I cheated on. Good thinking.
By Friday I hope to a) screw my way to executive assistant, b) replace some poor slob who works really hard, or c) file a sexual harassment lawsuit. We’ll just see what the week brings, like whether or not the boss is a lesbian. Fingers crossed!
Spent the rest of the workday playing Candy Crush and convincing Dale from accounting to do everything for me. Stringing Dale along is why I keep coming in. It makes all the pretending to work worth it. I might boink him someday, but I want to see how low he’ll stoop for a bit of action.
I don’t get off on it per se, in so much that I don’t get off. Ever. At all. But I pretend that I could, just to make all the guys I’ve ever been with feel like losers. Watching them fumble and feel emasculated without pants is like Christmas – if I were to sleep with Santa and watch him fumble and feel emasculated without pants.
Went to happy hour after work and didn’t pay a dime. Cosmos just appeared in front of me. Dumb guys just handed me cash for being hot, and I filled my bra until Bea Arthur and Jackie O ballooned up like the boobs of evil women on TV. My role models, natch.
Some dude wearing a huge, purple hat came up to me and said I looked like an uglier Angelina Jolie. He lifted his shirt to show that his torso was hard, rippling, and embroidered with diamonds so he had every right to tell me that. I hooked up with him in the men’s room. That’ll show him.
Went home and let loose a series of drunken, liar tweets about how hard my life is and how I want equality. Even inebriated, it’s important to keep my stilettoed foot on the neck of men everywhere. Those tweets and opinion pieces just skewer them. More powerful than the laws of God or man are the messages I hastily type with my thumbs.
A good Tuesday over all, but did not receive free coffee by sexily slow jamming my order. The barista must’ve taken the red pill.
Woman begs city council to bring back McRib
The McRib Shortage of ’15. It was the single greatest tragedy this country has ever endured. But one woman, one brave voice, said, “No. This will not do.” #mcrib #sheslovinit
Well over a year ago a tragic event occurred: In the fall of 2015, the executives of McDonald’s made a grave decision, the consequences of which are still felt to this day. They decided that when the McRib was released that year it would… it would allow the regional managers to decide whether or not they would offer the McRib. As a result, a staggering 45 percent of McDonald’s locations elected not to offer the McRib. It was the single greatest tragedy this country has ever endured. But one woman, one brave voice, said, “No. This will not do.”
First off, shout out to Reader James from Lake Elsinore, CA for alerting us to the tale of hardship and heroism. You see, when Xanthe Pajarillo, a “McRib activist,” realized that none of the ten McDonald’s locations in her hometown of Santa Clarita would be offering the McRib, she did what any reasonable red-blooded American citizen would do. She brought the issue before the city council.
Now it is no secret that the McRib Shortage of ’15 nearly brought the nation to a standstill. In fact, if it weren’t for the release of a special McRib locator app, experts speculate that America would have ceased to exist as it does today. But amidst all of the rolling blackouts, the deaths, and the riots, we overlooked all of the smaller, personal tragedies that took place because of the cruel decision made by nearly half of McDonald’s regional managers.
In her impassioned plea to the Santa Clarita city council, Pajarillo explained just why the McRib meant so much to her and her family, and why the city council had to act in order to bring it back.
“The removal of the McRib from the menu has affected my family, because every Thanksgiving, my family would, like, order a 50-piece chicken McNugget and like, 10 McRibs. It was like, a tradition in our family, and now it’s like—well, like my family’s holiday spirit is kind of messed up and broken.”
Recently Pajarillo heroic speech before the city council has gone viral, gaining attention at the national stage across social media. Since that dramatic event, Pajarillo has continued to fight for the return of the McRib, even going so far as to release a song dubbed “The McRib Blues.” In it, she lays bare her soul and the souls of those like her to whom the McRib is more than just a barbecue pork sandwich, but is instead, a way of life.
There are those out there, deplorables who hardly deserve mention, that call her bravery nothing more than a stunt. Performance art holding up a mirror to America’s consumerism and obsession. However, others stand by the truth. Pajarillo is a hero, fighting for both a sandwich, but also for something more. Something ephemeral. That little piece of Americana that brings us all together. The McRib.
Fight on, brave warrior, fight on.
♪ Cause we have right to eat what we like, McRib is worth the fight ♪
Still can’t get enough of the McRib? Learn how a McRib is made, courtesy of BuzzFeed.
25 Most Disturbing Urban Dictionary Words Ever
When you’re in the mood for hilarious and gross guilty-pleasure laughs, look no further than Urban Dictionary. To celebrate our love of Urban Dictionary, we’ve gathered the 25 dirtiest, most disgusting and most disturbing entries. #nsfw
Urban Dictionary: If you’re not familiar with it yet, we both apologize and envy you. It’s the bowels of the internet, with some of the most disgusting and disturbing words and phrases ever thought up by humans. And it’s hilarious. Gross, but hilarious.
This somewhat guilty appreciation of Urban Dictionary and all that they do led us to assemble our top 25 dirtiest/most disgusting/most disturbing words you’ll find there. Let us know if we missed one of your favorites in the comments, and get ready to laugh… and probably barf a little in your mouth.
25. Truffle Butter
Like Santorum but somehow even grosser.
24. Massachusetts Slurpee
Massholes must have really thin dicks if they can a) Be replace by a straw and their partner doesn’t notice and b) to be able slide it into the straw to get their money shot lined up.
23. Queef Greased
Sounds like it’s an awesome substitute for Tres Flores and probably smells just as good.
22. Rusty Trombone
The best entry based on musical instruments, and boy do actual trombonists love it when you ask them if it’s “rusty” after they tell you they’re in a band, and they play trombone. Seriously, the next time someone says, “I play the trombone,” ask them if it’s rusty. It kills every time.
21. Quabbing a Twab
Our first entry featuring straight up beastiality. All this time we thought it was traditional to use clubs on baby seals, not shovels. (Urban Dictionary knows no bounds.)
20. Tallahassee Gas Mask
Popular during rush week and spring break for FSU students. Eat some crab legs beforehand to give it a hint of seafood.
19. Texas Chili Bowl
A fun Urban Dictionary game: Use your imagination and fill in the blanks.
18. Norwegian Torchblower
I’m not even sure this is possible. But the Norwegians are an ambitious people so who knows.
17. Alberta Chili Bowl
Another chili bowl, this one from our neighbors to the North. Jesus Fuck.
16. Missouri Backwash
The aggressive-aggressive version of the passive-aggressive snowball.
15. California Cheeseburger
A favorite among California gastronomes, at least until the foie gras ban is overturned.
14. Avocado Taco
Ladies and Gentleman, it’s the reverse Carolina Mudflap. Also you should be old with saggy balls.
13. Dirty Sanchez
Another classic, the definition is surprisingly controversial, based on the number of competing definitions.
12. Carolina Mudflap
You must be a septuagenarian to perform the Carolina Mudflap.
11. Tennessee Abortion
No Right To Lifer will be able to stop these. Defund Planned Parenthood? How about we defund Urban Dictionary, lol!
10. Nebraskan Corn Cob
Some other facts about Nebraska: the state insect is the Honey Bee, its motto is “Equality before the law,” and they changed their nickname from “Tree Planter’s state” to “cornhusker state” in 1945. Also, Spam is produced in Fremont, NE, using the Nebraskan Corn Cob process.
9. Portuguese Chocolate
The instructions are way too involved to be practical. Microwave for 8 minutes? Fuck outta here.
8. Alaskan Pipeline
The options are endless with frozen poop logs, so don’t let this somewhat narrow definition stop you from experimenting with this. (We learned about this one during an office lunch outing. Note to self: Urban Dictionary is a hilarious jumping off place for workplace conversation starters.)
7. Dragon Blaster
So you don’t need maple syrup or peanut butter. Just a nice curry.
6. Aberdeen Snowball
Kurt Cobain’s hometown checks in with the most complicated burn of all time for someone hitting on your girlfriend. Honestly, if you hit on your host’s girlfriend AND you pass out there, I think this is just divine retribution.
5. Michigan Dew Banks
Not to be outdone by their rivals Ohio, Michigan joins the party and adds a spoon, bringing a touch of civilization to their dookie-based boudoir shenanigans.
4. Cleveland Steamer
Another classic, and #2 on our list of gross things named after places, the Cleveland Steamer is an important part of your repertoire. It’s great for at office parties when there’s a lull in the conversation.
If you’ve somehow made it past sophomore year of high school without knowing what felching is, you’re welcome. Bane of people named “Fletcher” everywhere.
2. Alabama Hot Pocket
There’s an Auburn version that involves Charles Barkley on his Weight Watchers cheat day and Gus Mahlzan doing the robot.
Last but not least, the one thing “worse than genocide.” I mean, you have to be a seriously damaged person to even look this up and put it in a top 25 list.
There you have it, the 25 most disturbing Urban Dictionary words in the world. Speaking of disturbing, why not check out 32 OF THE WORST THINGS DONALD TRUMP HAS SAID. Or, you could always just go visit Urban Dictionary.
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