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Apparently orange really is the new black. Donald Trump has become an interesting character in today’s society. First, he was a narcissistic billionaire who had a reality tv show that some people enjoyed because of his hilarious business antics, but somehow now he is our Republican party nominee for President of the United States. How did that happen?

Aside from that puzzling idea, we have a more important question. Why is Donald Trump’s skin always orange? This is a serious issue that we have looked into in attempts to inform the American people the truth about the person who could possibly be calling the shots in our country. Does he know how he looks? Either way, these are our best guesses as to why Trump always looks like that girl who just got a bad spray tan.

Before you read on I want to make it clear that we contemplated whether we should even write this article here at Men’s Trait. Judging people solely on their appearances is something we don’t ever like to do, and this seemed like no exception. However, after thinking about Donald Trump and every offensive thing he has ever said for 2.4 seconds, we realized that we don’t give a shit. Enjoy.

Image: giphy

Image: giphy

He eats a large quantity of carrots, sweet potatoes and squash

Foods rich in beta-carotene can cause a condition in which your skin turns an orange-ish color, called carotenemia. Trump could have an unhealthy (yet healthy) obsession with eating large amounts of these foods like carrots, sweet potatoes and squash which would explain his skin color. Food addiction is real and I highly suggest Trump sees a professional about the effects of over-eating.

He spray tans too often

Spray tanning can be very effective when a person wants a little color, but doesn’t want to damage their skin. However, Mr. Trump seems to have taken that advice extremely literally. Based on our careful observations, the color of his skin looks as if he receives a spray tan each morning, and even wears tanning goggles to protect his eyes from getting damaged. His “reverse raccoon eyes” show the parts of skin that were missed by the spray tan and therefore lighter. Maybe wait a few days in between sprays. Also, if he wants to get back to a more natural look, there are lots of good products for removing spray tans.

via GIPHY

He uses an actual tanning bed

Tanning beds offer a slightly more “natural” look than spray tans, but they still alter the appearance and texture of your real skin. The reverse raccoon eyes could also be explained by the goggles in the tanning bed, but the orange color would have to result from lots of tanning bed use. People are actually addicted to using tanning beds, and we may need to add Trump to that list soon. The first step is admitting you have a problem.

He is obsessed with looking youthful

It’s a common belief that looking tan makes you look and feel younger, slimmer and more attractive. At 70 years old and married to a much younger woman, its not hard to come to the conclusion that he wants to look (and be) younger, especially as he is in the public eye. It’s only a matter of time before he gets an entire face lift and claims he is 30 again.

He thinks he is in a beauty pageant

Presidential debates and campaign events could easily be mistaken for a beauty pageant, with all the bright lights and people parading around on stage. Sadly, maybe Donald is just severely confused about the organization he is a part of. Makeup and essentially competing with others are components to both pageants and presidential debates. If spray tanning will give him a leg up on the other pageant girls (Hillary), why wouldn’t he do it?

He actually thinks it looks good

Trump was quoted saying, “All of the women on The Apprentice flirted with me – consciously or unconsciously. That’s to be expected.” which implies that he expects all women to flirt with him. If a woman flirts with a man, that typically means that she is somewhat attracted to him. To bring this full circle, Trump thinks he is attractive, oompa loompa skin and all. Narcissistic personality disorder is a legitimate disorder that many people struggle with and see a therapist for. The few people in Trump’s life that truly care about him should direct him to a professional that can help him.

trump oompa loompa

He is simply unstable

One of the first signs that someone is mentally ill is odd behavior. Donald Trump contradicts himself left and right, and has been heard saying countless things that have everyone scratching their heads. Just one example: “My net worth fluctuates, and it goes up and down with markets and with attitudes and with feelings—even my own feelings—but I try.” Maybe his lack of mental stability and understanding of reality prevents him from even realizing what is going on. To him, his skin is normal in color and shouldn’t be changed. Reality check, Mr. Trump, you’re not fooling anyone and carrot face does not look normal.

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15 Comments
  • urbanegorilla

    I heard he has a skin condition or disease and uses the spray tan and heavy pan stick to disguise it. it could be psoriasis, bad rosacea or large age spots… Who knows? You tell me. sad..Very sad.. Third rate.

  • Leigh Knight

    I love how he makes fun of women’s looks and a former Apprentice contestants “bad skin” saying she needed a dermatologist. Calling that beauty queen a fat pig (at 135lbs I might add) and what women he would grab. Does he not own a mirror, or is he just THAT delusional ? Can he actually think ANY woman would have him if he weren’t filthy rich?? LMAO I think he would still be a virgin if he couldn’t afford to pay for p*ssy.

    • Brian Geary

      Even with his money, his wives have always looked like drag queens. Take a really good, honest look at Melania. She could absolutely pass for a ladyboy. Ivana – no question that she looked like a man in drag. Marla was the most feminine, but still plastic, although I’ll concede she’s the most womanly looking out of the three.

  • Nikki Ty-Tomkins

    Alas, for someone so critical of other people’s appearance, Trump looks like a pumpkin.

  • lfrohling

    There is another one (tin hats on standby) after being filmed his skin in tinted orange in post production. It’s a very easy and quick thing to do (I can do it myself using video editing software)

  • lfrohling

    And another thing- I thought being racist (ie. judging people on their looks) was bad? Hmmm

    • Brian Geary

      Then take it up with your orange racist in chief.

    • Are you really saying a white man being mad fun of for having a really awful spray tan is akin to being racially discriminated against? Are you truly that daft?

  • Came here from a non-Trump top ten list that asserted that carotenoid tans are objectively found to be more attractive to women than suntans. What a weird finding, I thought, I wonder if that’s true? Google led me here.

    I still don’t know about the relative effects on female interest of different tans but I do know that this is a political outlet on the left masquerading as a men’s outlet.

    Very unattractive.

    • Brian Geary

      Yes, Trump is very unattractive.

      • 3 wives and a decades long tabloid storied life of hot dates all over New York, you’re right, very unattractive.

        Women love unattractive men.

  • Glock27a

    Simply stupid, the article.

    • Were you trying to write a haiku and forget to finish?

  • Kathy Linn

    President Trump has a skin condition either affected by or in addition to health related medications. I doubt it is a bad spray tan, after all, he can afford the best although it could be one contributing factor. A decade or so ago, his skin coloring was not as it is now. All you haters…your hypocrisy and own narcissism is showing about medical issues related to but not only to age. So, you hate elderly people who are no longer attractive and have medical issues with side effects of medicine treating them, and hate people with different skin color. Congratulations!

Satire

From the MRA Evidence Archives: The Journal of a Normal, Average Feminist

Awoke and whispered to my boobs, Bea Arthur and Jackie O, “It’s Tuesday. You know what that means, ladies? Time to oppress some dudes.”

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THIS CONTENT WAS REPUBLISHED FROM AN EARLIER DATE.

 Tuesday July 5, 2016

Awoke and whispered to my boobs, Bea Arthur and Jackie O, “It’s Tuesday. You know what that means, ladies? Time to oppress some dudes.”

Walked to work wearing my plunging crop top that says, “This is what a feminist looks like,” hot pants, and six-inch heels. Tossed my hair a lot and sexily chewed my lower lip. Dropped change so I could slowly bend over and pick it up. It took me about an hour to walk five blocks, which is standard.

Exceeded my catcall goal by seven, a personal best. Super flattering, of course, but will pretend to be terrified and make men feel bad about it with a bunch of tweets. That’ll show them.

Some dowdy librarian tried to help me with the change I kept dropping, and she got catcalled too! No one invades my catcalling turf. Slapped the books right out of her hands. Mostly by Hemingway, whom I both hate and would totally do if he were alive.

Arrived late per usual, but the boss didn’t say anything, just stared at my tits and gave me a pass. I had buttressed Bea Arthur and Jackie O in a push-up bra stuffed with the hard-earned cash of some beta male I cheated on. Good thinking.

By Friday I hope to a) screw my way to executive assistant, b) replace some poor slob who works really hard, or c) file a sexual harassment lawsuit. We’ll just see what the week brings, like whether or not the boss is a lesbian. Fingers crossed!

Spent the rest of the workday playing Candy Crush and convincing Dale from accounting to do everything for me. Stringing Dale along is why I keep coming in. It makes all the pretending to work worth it. I might boink him someday, but I want to see how low he’ll stoop for a bit of action.

I don’t get off on it per se, in so much that I don’t get off. Ever. At all. But I pretend that I could, just to make all the guys I’ve ever been with feel like losers. Watching them fumble and feel emasculated without pants is like Christmas – if I were to sleep with Santa and watch him fumble and feel emasculated without pants.

mens-rights-venn-diagram

Went to happy hour after work and didn’t pay a dime. Cosmos just appeared in front of me. Dumb guys just handed me cash for being hot, and I filled my bra until Bea Arthur and Jackie O ballooned up like the boobs of evil women on TV. My role models, natch.

Some dude wearing a huge, purple hat came up to me and said I looked like an uglier Angelina Jolie. He lifted his shirt to show that his torso was hard, rippling, and embroidered with diamonds so he had every right to tell me that. I hooked up with him in the men’s room. That’ll show him.

Went home and let loose a series of drunken, liar tweets about how hard my life is and how I want equality. Even inebriated, it’s important to keep my stilettoed foot on the neck of men everywhere. Those tweets and opinion pieces just skewer them. More powerful than the laws of God or man are the messages I hastily type with my thumbs.

A good Tuesday over all, but did not receive free coffee by sexily slow jamming my order. The barista must’ve taken the red pill.

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Food

Woman begs city council to bring back McRib

The McRib Shortage of ’15. It was the single greatest tragedy this country has ever endured. But one woman, one brave voice, said, “No. This will not do.” #mcrib #sheslovinit

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mcrib-woman

Well over a year ago a tragic event occurred: In the fall of 2015, the executives of McDonald’s made a grave decision, the consequences of which are still felt to this day. They decided that when the McRib was released that year it would… it would allow the regional managers to decide whether or not they would offer the McRib. As a result, a staggering 45 percent of McDonald’s locations elected not to offer the McRib. It was the single greatest tragedy this country has ever endured. But one woman, one brave voice, said, “No. This will not do.”

First off, shout out to Reader James from Lake Elsinore, CA for alerting us to the tale of hardship and heroism. You see, when Xanthe Pajarillo, a “McRib activist,” realized that none of the ten McDonald’s locations in her hometown of Santa Clarita would be offering the McRib, she did what any reasonable red-blooded American citizen would do. She brought the issue before the city council.

Now it is no secret that the McRib Shortage of ’15 nearly brought the nation to a standstill. In fact, if it weren’t for the release of a special McRib locator app, experts speculate that America would have ceased to exist as it does today. But amidst all of the rolling blackouts, the deaths, and the riots, we overlooked all of the smaller, personal tragedies that took place because of the cruel decision made by nearly half of McDonald’s regional managers.

In her impassioned plea to the Santa Clarita city council, Pajarillo explained just why the McRib meant so much to her and her family, and why the city council had to act in order to bring it back.

“The removal of the McRib from the menu has affected my family, because every Thanksgiving, my family would, like, order a 50-piece chicken McNugget and like, 10 McRibs. It was like, a tradition in our family, and now it’s like—well, like my family’s holiday spirit is kind of messed up and broken.”

Recently Pajarillo heroic speech before the city council has gone viral, gaining attention at the national stage across social media. Since that dramatic event, Pajarillo has continued to fight for the return of the McRib, even going so far as to release a song dubbed “The McRib Blues.” In it, she lays bare her soul and the souls of those like her to whom the McRib is more than just a barbecue pork sandwich, but is instead, a way of life.

There are those out there, deplorables who hardly deserve mention, that call her bravery nothing more than a stunt. Performance art holding up a mirror to America’s consumerism and obsession. However, others stand by the truth. Pajarillo is a hero, fighting for both a sandwich, but also for something more. Something ephemeral. That little piece of Americana that brings us all together. The McRib.

Fight on, brave warrior, fight on.

♪ Cause we have right to eat what we like, McRib is worth the fight ♪

Still can’t get enough of the McRib? Learn how a McRib is made, courtesy of BuzzFeed.

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Humor

Raddest Things of the Week: Dabbing on Paul Ryan and Jack in the Box tacos

Welcome back, Men’s Traitors. Happy New Year! For the first time in 2017 we’re kicking off our weekly Menstration, our highly subjective weekly roundup of the BAD and RAD from this week.

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Jack in the Box taco
raddest things

Image: This is so rad

Welcome back, Men’s Traitors. Happy New Year! For the first time in 2017 we’re kicking off our weekly Menstration, our highly subjective weekly roundup of the BAD and RAD from this week…It’s the Men’s Trait’s Raddest Things of the Week award.

Before I get into the nominees, how about a breakdown of our process? We get hundreds of nominees per week from readers. If you want to nominate someone, there are about 3 ways to reach us:

  1. You can submit nominees to our Facebook page.
  2. You can tweet us your nonimations at @MensTraitOnline or  @johnpsousa using the hashtag #MTRaddestPersonOftheWeek or #MTDBagOfTheWeek.
  3. You can email us at “editorial at 301digitalmedia dot com” with “MT D-Bag Of The Week Nominee” or “MT Raddest Things of the Week” in the subject line.

Depending on the nominee, we’ll publish a post, and then we’ll keep track of them all week. Our staff then votes (sometimes after a vigorous Slack debate). So, you can submit items on people/things that were RAD or people/things that are BAD and we will break them down.

 Raddest Thing of the Week #1: NFL Playoffs

That’s right Jim, Playoffs! This is bittersweet for me, because I’m a Raiders fan. We haven’t been in the playoffs since we lost Super Bowl XXXVII to the Buccaneers. And here comes this year, we’re 12-4 but I’m miserable, because our best player, Derek Carr, who I may or may not want to leave my family and get an apartment with, broke his leg. I miss his leadership. I miss his musk. Anyway, tomorrow afternoon we play Houston in the Wild Card round, and our starting quarterback is a rookie starting his first ever game. Luckily, the Texans quarterback is Brock Osweiler, AKA Broke Assweiler. Khalil Mack is gonna sack the shit out of him and we might just survive to get run by the Patriots next week. Good times.

Raddest Dog of the Week: Scarface

Scarface the dog

Image: Twitter

Originally we’d planned to make his owner, Florida Woman Brenda Guerrero, our first D-bag of the Week of 2017, and she was obviously our first nominee. But we decided to honor Scarface the Pit Bull, the dog upon whom Brenda and her dipshit husband tried to put a stupid sweater. Scarface reacted accordingly and mauled the shit out of them. Good dog, Scarface.

D-bag of the Week Nominee #1: Baynard Woods

Baynard Woods wrote an essay for Vox in their “First Person” section, which, according to the description, is “Vox’s home for compelling, provocative narrative essays.” You may recognize “First Person” as the place where you read about the assholes who live like Victorians. Woods fires up his trusty Selectra and wrote a long essay about getting a vasectomy.

You’d think a dude getting a vasectomy wouldn’t be that big of a deal. Hundreds of thousands of men get them every year. And there’s only one reason for a dude to get a vasectomy, and that’s because he doesn’t want any kids. Or any more kids. But either way, the whole point of a vasectomy is to prevent getting someone pregnant.

So obviously, we know why Baynard Woods wanted a vasectomy, he doesn’t want any kids. But Baynard Woods and his wife don’t have any kids yet, and don’t ever want kids. So he got a vasectomy. I’m still trying to figure out why this couldn’t have been communicated via Tweet instead of a 4000 word essay about a hipsters nuts getting snipped.

Let’s take a look at some choice excerpts, shall we?

In the section, “How my wife and I knew we didn’t want to have children,” we get our first clue about what kind of people we are dealing with:

We have family meetings and hash out all the pros and cons and then make a decision and do not waver from it. We used to start the meetings playing instruments and singing “Boil the Cabbage Down” and end them with “I Shall Not Be Moved.”

Sounds awesome.

My wife, who is marked as “President” of the family on the cover of the red notebook, did not like playing music — my first big husbandly mistake was buying her the mandolin that I wanted her to play — and soon nixed the musical ritual.

I wish she was writing this essay. She probably could have explained it in a tweet. Like, “Baynard got a vasectomy because we don’t want kids kthanksbai.”

Neither of us are particularly attached to our own genes. We don’t need to see ourselves or each other reflected in some small face.

Every essay by people who don’t want kids includes some condescending shit like this. Like parents are narcissists who only reproduce to live vicariously through their spawn. Okay, some parents are like that, but most of the time they’re too busy cleaning that small face, or arguing with that small face about which goddam spoon they want to use at dinner to see anything reflected in that face but deep, soul-crushing regret.

We don’t own a car, we rent an apartment in downtown Baltimore (with no interest in owning), and not having a kid seems like another way to reduce our carbon footprint.

If that “Boil the Cabbage Down” shit wasn’t enough to convince you that this was hipster solipsism, then this shit about not having a car and renting should convince you.

He then goes through some boilerplate people trying to convince him he’s wrong and then we get to my favorite part.

To make it worse, I have a deeply pessimistic view of the long-term future. I suspect that within the next couple of generations, some catastrophe will wipe out millions, if not billions, of people. If not my children, then my grandchildren will either be cannibals or be eaten by cannibals.

LOL.

My wife disagreed with me on this point. She believed in the goodness of people and the idea of progress, that there is a moral arc to the universe. Her desire not to have children was not as motivated by fear as mine — at least until after the election of Donald Trump.

Oh God. Now this is turning into my Facebook feed of the last 8 weeks or so, all the people who live in “Blue States” (I love you all!) who see people in flyover country as cannibals. Jesus Christ.

(Another friend, a woman, texted me to say, “I remember u telling me once about not wanting to have kids because our world is gonna be like a Cormac McCarthy book. I agree. And that makes me sad.”)

Texting! Also Cormac McCarthy is unreadable.

The essay then gets into the only really compelling and important point, which is that the burden of birth control falls disproportionately on women, and he wanted to give his wife a break from a lifetime of hormonal birth control. This is good and admirable, and if the essay had been a blog post about this part I would not be spending so much time giving Baynard Woods so much shit.

Anyway you get the point, read it if you like.

D-bag of the Week: Facebook Live Torture Porn

Oh man Wednesday. You may have seen it live or read about it sense, but Jesus Christ was this awful. A group of 4 African Americans kidnapped and tortured a mentally disabled white guy while screaming “Fuck white people” and “Fuck Donald Trump.”

The four have been charged with hate crimes in addition to kidnapping and torture, as they should have been. But now the usual subjects can claim that white people and Trump supporters are in danger from Black Lives Matter thugs.

Good job, good effort, gang.

Anyway back to the Rad Stuff.

Raddest Thing of the Week Nominee #2: Jack in the Box Tacos

jack-in-the-box-tacos

Image: John’s iPhone

Reader Brendan from Santa Monica brought this Wall Street Journal article about Jack in the Box tacos, “Americans Eat 554 Million Jack in the Box Tacos a Year, and No One Knows Why.” I’ll tell you why: they are cheap and delicious.

The filling is also of controversial provenance. My brother once asked the woman behind the counter of a Salinas Jack in the Box what kind of meat was in the tacos, and she said, “Carne de soy.” And it’s a widely held belief that the tacos are vegetarian, although there does appear to at least some beef in the mixture (also, guy, is it possible the employee didn’t purposely “mislead” you? Maybe fast food workers have shitty pay and training and she just didn’t know.).

Anyway in addition to the celebrity fans listed in the article, we also get news that hipster foodies are planning to create versions of the tacos with fancy ingredients that sell for $18 for 3. That misses the entire fucking point of Jack in the Box tacos, which is that they are 2 for $.99 (in Franklin, TN yesterday, they were actually 2 for $1.19).

Don’t fuck up a good thing.

Raddest Thing of the Week: The Cool Teen Dabbing on Paul Ryan

Paul Ryan gets dabbed on by cool teen

Image: CSPAN

Nice work son. Dab on them Fools. When you’re no longer grounded I hope you go out and get hella Jack in the Box tacos. You’ve earned them.

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