Donald Trump’s presidential run has been one of the biggest coups for comedians and comediennes across the globe, and while we don’t claim to be comedians, we thought we’d pile on and cash in on the attention he’s grabbing. It’s shameless, but whatever, that’s what we do.
Have a scroll through
our favorite the worst things The Donald has ever said. Fair warning, some of it might be borderline NSFW.
1. “One of the key problems today is that politics is such a disgrace, good people don’t go into government.”
We just had to start off with this one. Does anyone else see the irony here regarding his candidacy?
2. “That’s one of the nice things. I mean, part of the beauty of me is that I’m very rich. So if I need $600 million, I can put $600 million myself. That’s a huge advantage. I must tell you, that’s a huge advantage over the other candidates.”
So, the candidacy really is for sale?
3. “I’m a bit of a P. T. Barnum. I make stars out of everyone.”
Or he makes a clown out of himself. Same thing.
4. “All of the women on The Apprentice flirted with me – consciously or unconsciously. That’s to be expected.”
Heck, we’re men and we would flirt with him. Rawr.
5. “When Mexico sends its people, they’re not sending their best. They’re sending people that have lots of problems. They’re bringing drugs. They’re bringing crime. They’re rapists.”
It would be so much better if they just brought us tequila and churros.
6. “We have a 5 billion dollar website. I have so many websites … I hire people. They do a website. It costs me three dollars.”
Yeah, well we set up MensTrait.com for $2. Yippee ki-yay, mother*****.
7. “I will build a great wall — and nobody builds walls better than me, believe me —and I’ll build them very inexpensively. I will build a great, great wall on our southern border, and I will make Mexico pay for that wall. Mark my words.”
Somewhere in Mexico a group of bureaucrats is laughing their cojones off.
8. “I watch the speeches of these people, and they say the sun will rise, the moon will set, all sorts of wonderful things will happen, and people are saying, ‘What is going on? I just want a job.'”
There is something ironic about a man promising jobs to people when he’s most famous for eliminating them.
9. “I don’t need anybody’s money. I’m using my own money. I’m not using the lobbyists. I’m not using donors. I don’t care. I’m really rich.”
And this is what will endear him to the American people.
10. “Robert Pattinson should not take back Kristen Stewart. She cheated on him like a dog and will do it again, just watch. He can do much better!”
Robert Pattinson should not take back Kristen Stewart. She cheated on him like a dog & will do it again–just watch. He can do much better!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) October 17, 2012
Sage relationship advice from the man who has had three different wives.
11. “No more massive injections. Tiny children are not horses — one vaccine at a time, over time.”
No more massive injections. Tiny children are not horses—one vaccine at a time, over time. — Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) September 3, 2014
And we had just bought saddles for them.
12. “An ‘extremely credible source’ has called my office and told me that Barack Obama’s birth certificate is a fraud.”
An ‘extremely credible source’ has called my office and told me that @BarackObama‘s birth certificate is a fraud.
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) August 6, 2012
This has more weight because he incorrectly used quotation marks.
13. “I will build the best wall, the biggest, the strongest, not penetrable, they won’t be crawling over it, like giving it a little jump and they’re over the wall. It costs us trillions.”
Rumor has it that the wall is going to look a little like this.
14. “I do know what to do and I would know how to bring ISIS to the table or, beyond that, defeat ISIS very quickly. And I’m not gonna tell you what it is tonight.”
That’s like the life coach saying s/he can solve all your problems, but only after you pay $300/hour for a consultation.
15. “According to Bill O’Reilly, 80% of all the shootings in New York City are blacks — if you add Hispanics, that figure goes to 98%, 1% white.”
And According to Bill O’Reilly he’s a war hero.
16. “Who’s doing the raping? Somebody’s doing the raping?”
The Mexicans are doing the raping? Weren’t you listening to yourself?
17. “We have nobody in Washington that sits back and said, you’re not going to raise that f****** price.”
This was in response to rising oil prices. For somebody who is supposedly incredibly smart, he seems to have very little insight into how commodities markets work… Or he’s pandering to the uneducated dolts in the world who support his candidacy. n’t let him use the land. That’s what we should be doing. I don’t want to use the word ‘screwed,’ but I screwed him. That’s what we should be doing.”
At least he admits to being a dishonest opportunist. This type of foreign policy is just what the U.S. needs always.
18. “I have a great relationship with the blacks. I’ve always had a great relationship with the blacks.”
He obviously has friends whose last name is Black. Sheesh, people, it isn’t a race thing.
19. “Laziness is a trait in blacks.”
Oh, maybe it is a race thing.
20. “Black guys counting my money! I hate it. The only kind of people I want counting my money are little short guys that wear yarmulkes every day.”
Yeah, it is definitely a race thing.
21. “What a convenient mistake: @BarackObama issued a statement for Kwanza (sic) but failed to issue one for Christmas.”
Because he was too busy praying to Allah. Just to note, the President did issue several statements about Christmas, and Donald has since deleted this tweet.
22. “Rosie is crude, rude, obnoxious and dumb – other than I like her very much!”
Rosie is crude, rude, obnoxious and dumb – other than that I like her very much! — Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) July 11, 2014
We aren’t going to argue with him about Rosie O’Donnell, but isn’t this kind of the pot calling the kettle black?
23. “Our great African American President hasn’t exactly had a positive impact on the thugs who are so happily and openly destroying Baltimore!”
Our great African American President hasn’t exactly had a positive impact on the thugs who are so happily and openly destroying Baltimore!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) April 28, 2015
Seriously, just shut up at this point. That’s like holding Jimmy Carter accountable for all the crap white people did while he was in the Oval Office.
24. “[email protected] guys are total losers—they had their story stolen right from under their bad complexions—other media capitalized!”
@realDonaldTrump Go fuck yourself.
— Deadspin (@Deadspin) January 17, 2013
If you missed this little spat, it came when Donald Trump sarcastically trolled Deadspin writers one day, earning a less-than-nice response from Deadspin involving the four letter f-word. Is this what Trump diplomacy would look like?
25. “Dummy Bill Maher did an advertisement for the failing New York Times where the picture of him is very sad-he looks pathetic, bloated & gone!”
Dummy Bill Maher did an advertisement for the failing New York Times where the picture of him is very sad-he looks pathetic, bloated & gone! — Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) December 24, 2014
Has anyone else noticed Donald’s affinity for the exclamation mark? He loves them!
26. “I will be releasing the full interview with a guy named Baxter @antbaxter only to show the bias and stupidity of him and @BBCWorld. Clowns!”
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) September 29, 2014
Because we’re taking this far too literally, the BBC is one of the most respected media entities in the world and Trump ought to remember that.
27. “And I’ll have Mexico pay for the wall. Because Mexico is screwing us so badly. I will take it from out of just a small fraction of the money they’ve been screwing us for over the last number of years.”
Fun fact, the United States currently owes Mexico more than twice what they owe us.
28. “[email protected] is unattractive both inside and out. I fully understand why her former husband left her for a man- he made a good decision.”
Again, does he think he looks any better?
29. “If I were running ‘The View,’ I’d fire Rosie [O’Donnell]. I mean, I’d look her right in that fat, ugly face of hers, I’d say, “Rosie, you’re fired.”
We wonder what he’d say the first time Angela Merkel disagreed with him.
30. “They had no definitive proof against Tom Brady or #patriots. If Hillary doesn’t have to produce Emails, why should Tom? Very unfair!”
They had no definitive proof against Tom Brady or #patriots. If Hillary doesn’t have to produce Emails, why should Tom? Very unfair!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) May 11, 2015
Right? The NFL was far too lenient on Hillary.
31. “While @BetteMidler is an extremely unattractive woman, I refuse to say that because I always insist on being politically correct.”
Donald, you can say what you want about a lot of people, but leave Bette Midler out of this.
32. “Grab them by the pussy.”
Fuck yeah, America. This is your president. You can read the full lead-up to the locker room talk below. It makes me feel all warm and cozy, like getting peed on by Russian prostitutes.
- “I moved on her like a bitch, but I couldn’t get there. And she was married.”
- “I did try and fuck her. She was married.”
- “Just kiss. I don’t even wait. And when you’re a star, they let you do it. You can do anything.”
- “Grab them by the pussy. You can do anything.”
Cheers, America. You deserve this.
Donald Trump as Seen by Google’s Deep Dream
THIS CONTENT WAS REPUBLISHED FROM AN EARLIER DATE.
Last Summer, Google unleashed Deep Dream, their neural network that takes pictures and tries to identify patterns and overwrite them, on an unsuspecting public. When you put an image into Deep Dream, what you get when it “wakes up” is often nightmarish. Dogs, birds, insects, pagodas are inserted at random places in the image, giving it a surreal and sometimes beautiful–if terrifying–aspect.
So, since this election season is already off-the-charts surreal, I thought to myself, “What would it look like if we ran some candidates through Deep Dream?” Well, now I know. I started with Donald Trump, who is already deeply weird and unsettling. The results are spectacular.
From the MRA Evidence Archives: The Journal of a Normal, Average Feminist
Awoke and whispered to my boobs, Bea Arthur and Jackie O, “It’s Tuesday. You know what that means, ladies? Time to oppress some dudes.”
THIS CONTENT WAS REPUBLISHED FROM AN EARLIER DATE.
Tuesday July 5, 2016
Walked to work wearing my plunging crop top that says, “This is what a feminist looks like,” hot pants, and six-inch heels. Tossed my hair a lot and sexily chewed my lower lip. Dropped change so I could slowly bend over and pick it up. It took me about an hour to walk five blocks, which is standard.
Exceeded my catcall goal by seven, a personal best. Super flattering, of course, but will pretend to be terrified and make men feel bad about it with a bunch of tweets. That’ll show them.
Some dowdy librarian tried to help me with the change I kept dropping, and she got catcalled too! No one invades my catcalling turf. Slapped the books right out of her hands. Mostly by Hemingway, whom I both hate and would totally do if he were alive.
Arrived late per usual, but the boss didn’t say anything, just stared at my tits and gave me a pass. I had buttressed Bea Arthur and Jackie O in a push-up bra stuffed with the hard-earned cash of some beta male I cheated on. Good thinking.
By Friday I hope to a) screw my way to executive assistant, b) replace some poor slob who works really hard, or c) file a sexual harassment lawsuit. We’ll just see what the week brings, like whether or not the boss is a lesbian. Fingers crossed!
Spent the rest of the workday playing Candy Crush and convincing Dale from accounting to do everything for me. Stringing Dale along is why I keep coming in. It makes all the pretending to work worth it. I might boink him someday, but I want to see how low he’ll stoop for a bit of action.
I don’t get off on it per se, in so much that I don’t get off. Ever. At all. But I pretend that I could, just to make all the guys I’ve ever been with feel like losers. Watching them fumble and feel emasculated without pants is like Christmas – if I were to sleep with Santa and watch him fumble and feel emasculated without pants.
Went to happy hour after work and didn’t pay a dime. Cosmos just appeared in front of me. Dumb guys just handed me cash for being hot, and I filled my bra until Bea Arthur and Jackie O ballooned up like the boobs of evil women on TV. My role models, natch.
Some dude wearing a huge, purple hat came up to me and said I looked like an uglier Angelina Jolie. He lifted his shirt to show that his torso was hard, rippling, and embroidered with diamonds so he had every right to tell me that. I hooked up with him in the men’s room. That’ll show him.
Went home and let loose a series of drunken, liar tweets about how hard my life is and how I want equality. Even inebriated, it’s important to keep my stilettoed foot on the neck of men everywhere. Those tweets and opinion pieces just skewer them. More powerful than the laws of God or man are the messages I hastily type with my thumbs.
A good Tuesday over all, but did not receive free coffee by sexily slow jamming my order. The barista must’ve taken the red pill.
Woman begs city council to bring back McRib
The McRib Shortage of ’15. It was the single greatest tragedy this country has ever endured. But one woman, one brave voice, said, “No. This will not do.” #mcrib #sheslovinit
Well over a year ago a tragic event occurred: In the fall of 2015, the executives of McDonald’s made a grave decision, the consequences of which are still felt to this day. They decided that when the McRib was released that year it would… it would allow the regional managers to decide whether or not they would offer the McRib. As a result, a staggering 45 percent of McDonald’s locations elected not to offer the McRib. It was the single greatest tragedy this country has ever endured. But one woman, one brave voice, said, “No. This will not do.”
First off, shout out to Reader James from Lake Elsinore, CA for alerting us to the tale of hardship and heroism. You see, when Xanthe Pajarillo, a “McRib activist,” realized that none of the ten McDonald’s locations in her hometown of Santa Clarita would be offering the McRib, she did what any reasonable red-blooded American citizen would do. She brought the issue before the city council.
Now it is no secret that the McRib Shortage of ’15 nearly brought the nation to a standstill. In fact, if it weren’t for the release of a special McRib locator app, experts speculate that America would have ceased to exist as it does today. But amidst all of the rolling blackouts, the deaths, and the riots, we overlooked all of the smaller, personal tragedies that took place because of the cruel decision made by nearly half of McDonald’s regional managers.
In her impassioned plea to the Santa Clarita city council, Pajarillo explained just why the McRib meant so much to her and her family, and why the city council had to act in order to bring it back.
“The removal of the McRib from the menu has affected my family, because every Thanksgiving, my family would, like, order a 50-piece chicken McNugget and like, 10 McRibs. It was like, a tradition in our family, and now it’s like—well, like my family’s holiday spirit is kind of messed up and broken.”
Recently Pajarillo heroic speech before the city council has gone viral, gaining attention at the national stage across social media. Since that dramatic event, Pajarillo has continued to fight for the return of the McRib, even going so far as to release a song dubbed “The McRib Blues.” In it, she lays bare her soul and the souls of those like her to whom the McRib is more than just a barbecue pork sandwich, but is instead, a way of life.
There are those out there, deplorables who hardly deserve mention, that call her bravery nothing more than a stunt. Performance art holding up a mirror to America’s consumerism and obsession. However, others stand by the truth. Pajarillo is a hero, fighting for both a sandwich, but also for something more. Something ephemeral. That little piece of Americana that brings us all together. The McRib.
Fight on, brave warrior, fight on.
♪ Cause we have right to eat what we like, McRib is worth the fight ♪
Still can’t get enough of the McRib? Learn how a McRib is made, courtesy of BuzzFeed.
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